


Your Left Hand Man

by azhawritesreylo



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, College Student Rey (Star Wars), Drug Addiction, Dysfunctional Family, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gay Poe Dameron, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Character of Color, Love/Hate, M/M, Mild Smut, Past Drug Use, Professor Ben Solo, References to Depression, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo AU Week, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Slow To Update, Songfic, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2020-10-14 03:17:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20593802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azhawritesreylo/pseuds/azhawritesreylo
Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures.Rey is barely scraping by as she finishes up her degree. Juggling three jobs and battling her inner demons is just as complicated as being asked to pose as someone’s girlfriend. But if it’s enough to pay the rent, how can she say no?Poe Dameron is planning on coming out to his foster family, but the arrival of his overly religious uncle makes him decide to bring a fake girlfriend instead. Keeping your identity a secret is just as difficult as pretending to be in love with someone you can never imagine being with...especially when your brother (and biggest rival) is there to make it ten times harder.(Yes, Ben is the brother).





	1. Welcome to the Family

**Author's Note:**

> where Poe Dameron hires Rey to play as his girlfriend for a family getaway while he sums up the courage to come out and Ben is his foster brother who’s keen on throwing everything off course.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey meets the family.

“So,” Mrs. Solo begins, smiling at her over a bowl of mashed potatoes. “Rey, is it?” 

She nods as gracefully as she could while she reaches for the plate of small pastries in colorful cups.

“I’m so glad you joined us. Poe rarely brings anyone home, and neither does Ben. I want to learn everything about you!” The old day woman cheerfully babbles on. “Where did you grow up?”

“Arizona,” she murmurs without thought, chewing the pastries with delight. 

“Oh!” Mrs. Solo remarks, surprised. “I’d have thought you were a foreigner. Do you have English parents? Grew up in the UK, maybe?”

Rey only shook her head, and opted for a redirection in the conversation. “These are delicious, Mrs. Solo. What're in these?”

“Oh, call me Leia, please,” Mrs. Solo says. “Ben made them.”

Rey looks across the table, finding the tall man with dark hair looking at her intently again. When she and Poe arrived earlier, he gave her a cold stare while the rest of their family fussed over in excitement. Then again, Poe did warn her that Ben was somewhat unenthusiastic about family gatherings. 

_ Or family in general, _she thought. 

Rey stares back for a moment too. And when he spoke, she almost flinched. 

“They’re coconut macaroons,” he deadpans. “I guess you could figure out the answer to your own question.”

“Play nice,” Mr. Solo warns under his breath and gives Rey an all too-amused smile. “You have to forgive my son,” he tells her. “He’s very...lone wolf-ish, always has been.”

“You got that right,” Poe mutters to her, making a face. 

Rey nods again, trying to distract herself with the food. This time, she tried to avoid making eye contact. 

“So how’d you two meet?” Ben suddenly asks. 

Leia was more than thrilled to hear about this too. “That’s right, you haven’t told us anything, hon.” 

Poe froze, and for a moment Rey thought he was choking. 

“Let’s hear it, then,” Mr. Solo urges, grinning from ear to ear. 

Ben continues eating his broccoli, but his gaze never leaves them. After another bite, Rey thought she saw him smirk. She kicked Poe under the table then and started to laugh. If he wasn’t going to tell a story—_ any _ story—then she would. After all, a thousand bucks for this week alone requires her services to be at least above average. She wasn’t going to let Poe down. 

“This is actually a funny story…”

That funny story wasn’t a funny story at all. 

It was barely three days ago when Poe Dameron, renowned in the campus to be the most eligible bachelor for the gays (during his time...or maybe ever), burst into Subway very dramatically. Heading towards Rey, who was preparing a customer’s order, he nearly stretched himself over the counter in the most embarrassing fashion and caught everyone’s attention. 

“You have to help me out.”

She looked over at him with what she hoped was the most pointed facial expression. “Kinda busy here, Poe,” she said, hauling tuna on the six inch sub. “Aren’t you on duty right now?” 

“This is really important! I swear I’m good for it,” he pleaded. 

She continued to ignore him.

Poe resorted to louder measures. “I’m desperate, Rey! Please? Rose said you were looking for quick cash.”

Rey hushed him immediately, earning glares from other customers. “Rose told you that?” She demanded. 

“Well, Finn and I were going out for a movie and wanted the both of you to come with. But Rose said she’s got exams and you on the other hand didn’t have a dime to spare.”

Humiliation finally had a face and it was hers. She let out a groan before shoving the sandwich in the oven. “If this is even in the ballpark of getting me in trouble, I swear to God—”

“No, no! Nothing like that,” he blabbered on. “I just really need to borrow you.”

“What?” 

“I need you as my—” and he dropped his voice that a mouse couldn’t hear it. “—girlfriend.”

Luckily, Rey had excellent hearing. And mouth-reading skills. “What the absolute fuck, Poe?” She mouthed at him. “Are you confused? Is this...are you trying to rediscover your sexuality or something?”

“Of course not!” He replies, looking a bit offended. “It’s just that…” and he sighed as if it burdened him physically to have to talk about it. “My foster parents are having this gathering out of the city. And you know how family reunions are.”

“No, actually, I don’t.” Her stone cold gaze was enough to remind him that she wasn’t being sarcastic. 

Poe breathes in heavily and nods. “Well, not to be personal here, but I also lost my parents really young and the folks I have now are really nice people who took me in.”

“So, what’s the problem then?”

“My uncle...foster uncle or whatever,” and he lets out a sigh, the look of exhaustion barely covering his true feelings: worry. 

“He’s religious. Like _ really _ religious. And not that I’m not proud of who I am, but I don’t want to be badgered by a thousand questions per minute—especially by a guy pretending to be a monk or something.” After a beat, almost as if to reassure her, he adds. “I will come out to them when the time's right. But I can’t do it now.”

Rey sighed before getting the sandwich out of the oven and passing it over to Connie. She leans on the counter, the glass dividing her from Poe, and stares at him straight in the eyes. There were two questions that needed answers. 

One: “Does Finn know?”

“Yes,” Poe replies. “And he’s been very understanding about it.”

“Supportive as ever,” she whispers, almost begrudgingly. She’s been best friends with Finn since freshman year. They were both outcasts; both foster kids who grew up in the system. They were two peas in a pod, and all that. 

During the critical moments of Rey’s life, Finn was there to hold her hand. And when Finn came out, she was there to hold his. Poe was someone that made Finn happy and she was not in any position to stand in the way of that. She needed to return the favor. 

Unfortunately, she wasn’t a saint. Before she agreed, she had to settle the other matter.

“How much?”

Poe, without blinking, offered. “A thousand.”

“One thousand bucks?”

“Military cash, baby,” he chuckles and then with a somber tone, he asks. “Are you in?”

It was for five days, seven max.

It would include an intricate web of lies, public displays of affection, extra cuteness (on her part—Poe insisted), and a low-key argument towards the end of the trip. There wasn’t going to be any personality changes, he assured her. He had no preference of women after all. But they had to be careful, and most of all, creative. 

Rey finished telling them their fake love story that included a cliche of bumping into each other in the hallway, first dates in the library, and a ‘will you be my girlfriend’ proposal in Subway.

“And that’s the last time I am ever ordering a tuna sandwich ever again!” 

The table shakes with laughter, and Poe was beside himself with relief. He had chosen his pretend-girlfriend well. 

“My Poe is such a sweetheart,” Leia coos. “More mashed potatoes, dear?”

Rey takes her offer without hesitation. It’s been a long time since she’s had a decent meal, not to mention the first time for a home cooked one (if you don’t count instant noodles and microwave dinners). 

“Does your mother cook?” Leia asks, her bright smile unwavering.

But it does make Rey falter a bit. She’s used to people asking about family, parents in general, but each time she feels...unbalanced. Not because she doesn’t have one, but because people tend to react differently towards you when you don’t. It’s as if being alone was a shameful secret instead of a simple fact. 

Poe takes his cue for this one. “Rey’s one independent lady,” he says proudly. “Just like you, Ma.”

Though she blushed, Leia offered a small smile instead and commented nothing on the matter. It was evident in her face that she knew what he meant. They’ve been around each other for so long that they could speak in code without meaning to, Rey thought. 

“What are you studying, then?” Mr. Solo was keen to change the subject. “Poe never said.”

That was a more comfortable area to venture on. Rey was grateful. Without pausing, she gives her answer. “Mechanical engineering.”

“Impressive,” Ben, with his tone of disinterest, interjects. 

“Ben teaches art,” Poe says to Rey, a look of slight annoyance making her laugh. 

“And literature,” Leia adds cheerfully, unaware of Poe poking fun. 

It didn’t get past Ben though. 

“I just remembered,” he starts, staring down at his plate first. “The other day, I was at your university. They asked me to do this instructor thing—”

Leia interrupts him, a force of habit that always annoyed Ben and it showed. “Was that the—uh—the calligraphy thing?” 

“Yes,” his voice was low and menacing but Leia paid no mind like usual. 

Rey and Poe snickered subtly, glancing at their plates and leaning onto each other. 

“What was the point of that again?” Mr. Solo demanded, only picking up bits and pieces of the conversation now as he was too immersed in his steak. 

Ben went on. “You work at Subway. I saw you,” and he was looking at Rey almost accusingly. “What’s that like?”

His gaze flickered from Rey to Poe and the reaction it conjured was immediate.

“When was this again?” Poe asks, hiding his nerves under the table; his leg bouncing up and down like a freaking rabbit. 

While he was worried about Ben witnessing their deal being struck inside the sandwich shop, Rey was bothered by his tone; condescending and mean. 

She puts her hand on Poe’s knee, calm but rather frustrated with the stranger judging her from across the table. Putting on her brightest (if fake) smile like a big middle finger to his rather snide remarks, she was about to go off on this big speech about independence and being a working student. 

But then, she didn’t want to cause a scene. After all, she was here for Poe (not entirely but almost) and besides, a quick nip at the bud tends to sort out any problem. 

“Well, not everyone has a trust fund.” Her tone was light; her words, direct. And even though she had a bright smile on her lips, Rey made sure her eyes were cold and hard. 

A firm line settled on his mouth. “I was just curious.”

“Now, now,” Mr. Solo says, sending trouble. He sends a signal over to Leia who tries to play referee. 

“Apologize to Rey, Ben,” Leia murmurs to him, looking at them both.

“It’s okay,” Rey insisted. “I’m sure he didn’t mean to come off that way.”

Ben didn’t seem impressed. When he stood up to leave (quite abruptly, too), Rey thought he was such a snob. Then immediately, she understood why Poe was more than anxious to to go through with the plan. On their way over, he briefed her about the two worst family members he has. Uncle Luke was definitely one. And the other was Ben. Overly suspicious, righteous, and smart. Nothing can get past him. 

The good thing is that she didn’t pretend to be anyone else. The bad thing is that he made her feel awful about being the person that she is. She does work at Subway. It’s decent and it’s boring and it _ pays _. Sure, there are worse things about her. For one, the reason why she has to work three jobs a day to get through college...but she didn’t want to think about that. Not now. The Reason is what got her into this whole mess anyway. But no stranger will have any right to dangle that over her head. Especially not someone who’s never had any hardship in life.

After cleaning up, they retreated to the front porch. The stars were out, glowing brightly from their vast distances. The waves, rolling and crashing onto the shore, gave a roaring calm over them all. 

Rey finally breathed out a bit, loosening up. This week was going to be tough, what with the tension of Ben’s presence (and his erratic behavior), not to mention that Uncle Luke was yet to be here. But she knows how to be more or less indifferent. 

Living with low expectations and dealing with her emotions (or rather the lack thereof) made her completely stoic on the whole situation. All she should think about right now is the money. She badly needed some. Besides, she’s faced worse jerks than Ben Solo. Living with him for a week would be nothing.

Or so she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in September but only went through it again this week because my writing "mojo" abandoned me halfway through the year. SO if you're not totally amused with the idea and the dialogues, I get it. BUT if you are, I would really appreciate it if you let me know by leaving a heart! 
> 
> I'm still toying with the flow of it and the story overall but I do know where I want this to go. Here's to hoping I'd finish it this month!


	2. A Bad Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben struggles to play nice. He has a bad feeling this wouldn't end so well for him.

Lying on the beach, under the sun, and reading one of Leia’s poetry books was every bit of heaven.

It was the first time in a long while that Rey ever had a carefree day like this—if she ever had one, that is. There were a lot of things she didn’t have growing up so this was certainly a luxury she was sure to take advantage of.

But soon the sun was blocked by a hovering figure, and as he towered over her, his glasses fell on her exposed torso. Rey looks up to find Ben idly looking down at her with an expectant brow. 

“You’re really weird,” she tells him unabashedly. “When will you stop being weird?”

He only grinned, a little more like a child who was too clueless to realize he was bothering someone else. But looking at him more closely, Rey realized it was just his reaction to the sun’s glare; squinting down at her and unavoidably annoyed. 

“Thank you for that remark,” he deadpans. “Do you know how to play volleyball?”

~

At first, Poe thought Ben invited Rey to the game so that it would be fair play.

It only made sense that Rey would be on Poe’s team. But then again, Leia had always sided with him. Still, watching the two joined on the other side of the net felt...weird . It wasn’t like they didn’t look good together. It’s that they did. And Poe never considered Ben having a partner—of any kind. The kid was just cold and distant, troubled. Even at twenty-nine, Ben was someone he considered inexperienced in life. Fickle. Naive. Impulsive.

Of course there was also the issue with how dysfunctional their family was. Mr. Solo—Han —hadn’t been around in a long time till late last year. They’ve heard stories on where he’s been (or rather who he was with), but Leia never said anything. She kept his image to the family as it was. And besides, she was too busy running a life of her own. Sometimes it did feel like Poe was still alone. And he knows all too well that that’s exactly how Ben must’ve felt, having been shipped off to boarding school at ten, and returning at seventeen, only to be forced to stay with his Uncle Luke because Leia was out of the country for business while Han was already off the radar doing God knows what. Then he moved out a year later when he turned eighteen. Studied in New York. Worked different jobs, much like Rey. 

Ben lived on his own, in every sense of the word. 

That is, until the accident…

No one talks about it. No one talked about it, ever. And the issue was left alone. All Poe knows is that Ben got mixed up with people—the ones you tell cautionary tales about—and it messed him up pretty good. 

Still, the man was standing tall now. A bit more of a jackass, he admits. But that’s life. It toughens you up, hardens you to the core till you no longer feel safe showing any sort of vulnerability. Even in beach volleyball.

“Come on, Ben! It’s just a game!” Poe groans as Ben throws a fit after missing a hit.

Ben only becomes more furious, turning to Rey aggressively. “I told you—”

“Hey!” Leia yells. “Don’t you dare raise your voice at that young lady, Benjamin! You called her in this game now you better show some manners!”

“It’s fine, Mrs. Solo!” Rey calls back. “It’s fine.”

But Poe could tell, even from this side, that Ben was stressing her out. No, they wouldn’t be a good fit. Rey is burdened enough as it is, with college and work and life in general. Ben wouldn’t be good for her. Not with all their issues. 

Her baggage alone is enough to sink her. To carry his too would be the Titanic of disasters. 

~

After the game, they decided to drink iced tea on the porch.

Ben retreated to his room in the attic, desperate to get away after losing to Poe. 

“You alright?” Poe asks Rey as she sits down, fanning her face from the heat.

She nods, smiling up at him as he hands her a freezing glass of iced lemon tea. “I’m  _ fantastic _ , thank you.”

“Are you sure?” He probes. “If Ben’s getting on your nerves—”

She laughs, but only half heartedly. “It’s not—that’s—don’t worry about it.” Stuttering halfway through that sentence was not good. “He’s just intense, that’s all,” Rey admits. 

“Oh,” Leia coos, sitting next to them. “Forgive that little bastard. He’s just not used to interacting with people he just met.”

Poe sighs at this. “Well, he’s never gotten used to me, Ma.”

Leia avoids his gaze and sips at her tea quietly. But after a while, she says, “He cares for you, more than he could admit. I guess being away for so long just made him...adamant.”

As she stands up, she pats Poe’s cheek and kisses the top of his head. 

“You’ll call him for dinner later, won’t you?”

And to Rey’s amusement, Poe nodded like the good son that he is. 

Leia went inside the house, leaving the two of them alone. 

“How’re you holding up?” Rey asks him. 

Poe had a crease between his brows but there was a hint of a smile on his lips. “Honestly,” he whispered. “I haven’t felt as relieved to be at home. Bickering with Ben and talking with Leia, it’s the most natural thing.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“It is,” he chuckles. “Even Han is his usual self. It’s nice.”

Despite not being entirely close with Poe, knowing only the surface image of him as Finn’s longtime boyfriend, she was happy for him. Finn got disowned by his foster family when he came out. If this turns out to be just like that, at least Poe would have some semblance of normalcy before any shit hits the fan. 

“How about you?” He asks again. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“You’re paying me by the day, mister.” She lets out a laugh but it came out forced. 

Rey clears her throat before trying to answer as sincerely as she could. “So far, it really hasn’t been that tough. I mean, this is probably the easiest job I’ll ever have. The view’s great, too.” She leans in on her elbows, the particles of sand covering her skin scraping against the floorboards. She closes her eyes as the sea winds blow. Rey could almost taste it. 

She knew she would never have this again.

“You have a nice family here, Poe,” she tells him quietly. “God only knows how I wish to feel what that’s like.”

He doesn’t say anything and a moment silence passes by. And then, Rey feels him wrap his arms around her shoulder and his lips leaving a gentle kiss on the top of her head. They stayed like that for a while, the warmth of the newfound depth in their friendship binding them together. Even just for a short span of time, Rey didn’t feel so alone. That was all she could ask for today. 

“Do you want me to get him?” Rey asks Leia as they set up the table for dinner. 

“Is Poe still out?” Mr. Solo looks through the window, trying to spot the jeep. 

“He said he’s still at the pharmacy,” Leia replies, swiping at her phone. “What’re the meds for?”

Rey suddenly freezes, catching Leia’s attention. She had no choice but to fess up. “They’re for me. I’m such a scatterbrain and forgot mine at home.”

“Oh, that’s okay, dear,” the old woman croons instead. “Got to get those pills.” She proceeded to wink very subtly and Rey’s cheeks burned to holy hell. 

She had hoped Leia wasn’t getting the wrong idea about what kind of pills they were but too late. The image of Poe in bed was not entirely unappreciated but it just wasn’t for her. She knows  _ way  _ too much about his sex life and not entirely by choice. As she puts the forks and knives neatly by each plate, Leia calls her again, this time with a hand on her head and an embarrassed grin on her face.

“You were asking about Ben earlier! I forgot.”

“That’s okay—”

“But yes please, be a dear and call him down. He might be sleeping so just try not to startle him if you don’t mind.”

“Sure.”

Rey started making her way up the stairs, certain that she would bump into him any second. But the door to the attic was still closed and there wasn’t any light streaming from under the door, a great indication that he would still most likely be asleep. 

Tapping twice, then three times, Rey calls for him. But there was no response. Finally, she decided to come in. Through the door and up the steps, the attic welcomed her with a misty scent and warm lights from different corners of the room. There was no railing so she immediately saw the bed by the window. But it was empty. Slowly, she took another step and turned to see Ben sitting by the desk with a small lamp. His massive back was on her but she could see the headphones covering his ears, the music just loud enough for her to hear the tune but not the lyrics. 

He was working—on what, she can’t say. But the canvases neatly piled on the corner and the easel by the cabinet indicated that he was probably working on something related to his art. A shelf filled with books served as the bed’s headboard; titles by Stephen King were alphabetically arranged as well as books by Neil Gaiman. Comic books were stashed where there was room and Rey could see more from underneath his bed, spilling out like a monster trying to get out. There were no posters on the walls. Instead, there was a single white frame with a picture of a young Ben standing in front of the house—this house—the figure of his father in the distance walking towards it, and Leia...sitting on the sands, waiting for the waves, and looking over at her son. It was a nice picture but even then, Ben didn’t seem happy. Just calm. 

Of all the things Rey knew for herself, tranquility does not equate happiness. At least not always. 

Staring too long at the photo gave her a disadvantage. The music had already stopped and when she turned to look at Ben again, his attention was already on her. 

Rey was startled. He was not in a good mood. 

“Can I help you?” He demanded, and he sounded as if he tried very hard not to betray a look of annoyance. 

“Dinner’s ready,” she squeaks, uncharacteristic. 

He nodded at that, but didn’t return to his work. He just stared off as if he was suddenly lost in his thoughts. 

Rey decided to leave, only to be held up. 

“What are you doing here?” It wasn’t meant to be rude, but it didn’t sound like it was out of curiosity either. 

“Calling you for dinner…?”

“No,” and he chuckled. A first. “I mean  _ here _ . With us, this week—why are you here?”

“Poe wanted me to meet the family.”

“See, that’s what I don’t get.” He stood up so abruptly that it made her jump, almost sliding down the stairs—

But his hand had already grabbed her arm, pulling her back. She was so thin, so light that she was nearly weightless from the years of being underfed. 

“Sorry,” he murmurs, another first because his tone was gentle. Apologetic, even. 

Rey brushes this off and stands firmly on the step. “I’m here because he asked me to. If my presence is an intrusion to you, I’m sorry. I just thought it was a great idea.”

”You’re even dumber than I thought,” he scoffs, letting go of her. “Whoever thinks family reunions are a great idea must be an idiot.”

“Well, call me Tweedle  _ Dumb,  _ then!” Rey hadn’t realized how affected she was till she snapped. 

But Ben was unfazed. Instead, he was amused. “I don’t want to ruin your fun—”

“No shit—”

“I really don’t,” he insists. “But this is the least ideal place for you. It’s a  _ family _ reunion, sweetheart. You have no place in this.”

Tears started to well up in her eyes. It was plain and simple; she didn’t belong. She knows that. She’s here for the money anyway. But why did it sting?

“I’m just stating it out there,” Ben says. 

And without another thought, she replies. “I get it, asshole.”

It took them both by surprise, the sheer outrage of it all, and an awkward (if not tense) silence shrouded them both. The sound of Poe’s jeep shakes them from their standstill and without saying anything else, Rey makes her hasty exit.

~

To say that Ben was caught off guard was an understatement. 

He never did learn how to talk to girls— _ women _ —properly. There was always something disarming about them, something that was completely alien to him. Now he’s just made a mess of things. 

If it’s of any consolation, he really didn’t mean to offend her. True, he has been standoff-ish, but only because he didn’t see what the girl—the woman—wanted with Poe. Or  _ from _ him. He was burdened. Even that sounded bad in his head. 

But what would warrant such a reaction? Calling him an asshole over such a mundane topic as family. Then he recalls whatever bullshit he just said.

_ You have no place in this. _

And it’s true. How long have they been going out anyway? Wasn’t it only a few months? Is there any possibility that this is...what would his grandmother call it?  _ Pamamanhikan _ ? 

_ No _ , Ben thought.  _ Pamamanhikan _ would involve the girl’s family and it would be the other way around. It’s a tradition in his grandmother’s side of the family where a man (ideally Poe) and his family would go to a woman’s home to formally seek their blessing in marriage. 

Another idea pops into his head.

_ Maybe she’s pregnant. Maybe that’s why she’s meeting the family now.  _

It was plausible. They both look...healthy. He shouldn’t think about it too much. It was probably something they’d reveal later on when the family’s complete. 

“Ben?” His mother calls, and he breaks from his reverie, looking at the bottom of the stairs just as she appears. “I sent Rey over here, but she hasn’t come down. Is she with you?”

“No, she just left,” he replies, returning to the task at hand. 

He was trying to complete his self-portrait--again. He’s been at it for weeks. He just can’t seem to get his nose right. Or his eyes. How wide apart should his eyes be to look human?

Leia hadn’t noticed that he’s turned his back on her already. Instead, she muses out loud. “She sure seems like a tough one.”

“You got that right,” he mutters under his breath.

She didn’t hear him. “That’s what you get when you grow up alone, I guess. You have thicker skin than most.”

Ben pauses but doesn’t turn around. His hand grips the charcoal firmly, distracted now.

“Do me a favor, hon,” Leia said, seeming to have recovered from her thoughts. “Be a little nicer to her. I don’t want her to feel like she has to fight for a right in our table. After all, she is Poe’s girlfriend.”

Defeated, and rather embarrassed now that he realized what he’s done, Ben Solo nods in obedience. 

At dinner, he tried to make eye contact with her. The best apology he could come up with was to look apologetic, he thinks. 

Unfortunately, Rey was set on ignoring him. 

Finally, when it was time for dessert, Ben saw his opening. His mother had made ice cream the night before. Lemon, his favorite. He figured if he would serve her a cup, it could be his version of a white flag. He was quick on his feet to get the small ceramic bowls from the kitchen cupboard. But then—

“Rey’s not up for ice cream, Ma,” Poe suddenly says from the dining area. “Sorry.”

“Is that what the pills are for?” Mom asked, unable to mask her concern, and immediately his brain was scrambling for a reason why Rey would need medication. “Sore throat?”

“Oh no!” The girl quickly replies. “I just—my teeth are very sensitive so I don’t usually eat ice cream. Sorry, Leia. I’m sure they’re delicious.”

Mom didn’t mind. But he did. He had to make up to her. And before he could think about it, right when it was too late to take it back, Ben pipes up with a good alternative. 

“I could make those macaroons you liked from dinner that first night.”

Almost immediately, he regretted opening his mouth. Everyone else seemed to have misplaced their jaws. 

Only Rey regained her composure and after a full minute of simply staring at him gave him an amused smile. 

“I would like that.”

And just like that, he became uneasy with the thought of how much more disarmed he could get by a stranger he’s barely known in the last three days. 

He had a bad feeling about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Pamamanhikan, as I've written and explained in the narrative, is an old tradition. It's a custom in the Philippines during (or at the beginning of) a couple's engagement where the man's family would go the woman's home to introduce his parents and meet hers and then ask for their blessing. I've always wanted to write this in because I read somewhere (through Asian Reylo twitter feeds) how Breha Organa is played by an Australian actress with Filipino roots and the idea of introducing another culture through iconic characters seemed like a good one for me especially being POC. The (coconut) macaroons Ben baked are also common pastries in the Philippines although they didn't originate here.


	3. the more I think about it, the less I want to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben’s retreating shadow is the last thing she sees before Poe ushers her back into their bedroom.

Rey had just come out of the shower when Poe entered their room. 

It took her a moment to realize that he had stopped by the door, closed shut behind him, staring at her with the oddest look on his face. 

“What?” She demanded, feeling suddenly exposed in only a towel wrap. 

And amidst all the weirdness, Poe claims the weirdest thing. “My brother has a crush on you.” 

It wasn’t a question nor a curious remark; it wasn’t even accusatory. Poe said it simply as if it was the most obvious thing. 

Rey let out a snort. “Your brother? Ben?”

“Yep.”

“The big man who bakes and snubbed me on the first day?”

“Yep.”

“The one who hates me?”

Poe considered it again. “There’s a fine line between hate and intrigue.”

“No, there isn’t,” Rey debunks. “And he doesn’t have a crush on me. That’s ridiculous.”

“Then why would he offer to bake for you?” He was on the verge of a laugh, teasing but honestly puzzled. “Of all the years I’ve spent in this house, Ben only did something when Leia begged him to— _ begged _ , not asked.”

“Maybe he feels guilty,” she grumbles. 

Now Poe puts on a serious face and asks, “Over what?” 

“Nothing.”

“Rey.”

“I snapped at him. Kinda called him an asshole.”

“That wouldn’t be the first but what did he do?”

Rey sighed heavily. “I don’t really want to get into this. It’s not much of a big deal anyway.”

“If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t be baking you macaroons.” Poe looked her over and when he was certain she wouldn’t tell him exactly what happened, he caved in. “I’ll let it go this time ‘cause I don’t want to push you. But if anything else happens on this trip, you tell me. You’re my cargo, after all. You’re here because of me.”

“I can handle it, don’t worry,” she reassures him. “Now where are my pills?”

It was Poe who sighed heavily this time. “I’m not entirely clueless, you know.” But he hands over the paper bag from the pharmacy with the sleeping pills inside. “Finn may not have told me everything but I know that you have to be careful.”

Rey doesn’t speak but takes the bag sheepishly from him instead.

“I wouldn’t get you those if I didn’t notice the way you’ve been tossing in your sleep.” Poe admits, looking down at his hands. 

“You’re a really good friend, Poe,” she whispers. Then she retreated back into the bathroom to change, the canister of pills in her hands, and she sighed in relief. 

Finally, a good night’s sleep. 

There were very few memories that haunts her dreams. 

But there was one that would always come at her when she thinks she’d run far enough away.

Sand had gotten in her eye that day. The beach was empty except for them. The skies were a sad blue, the seas gray. Irma wanted to build a castle with a starfish for a king. And Mason, their nextdoor neighbor, was trying to flirt with her. Rey’s had a crush on him since moving in with the Bartons. She remembered how relieved she felt to finally get his attention.

At the time, Rey hadn’t known how nice things could get, or that they ever would, not when all she’s lived with have been fear and complications. But, she brought it with her everywhere she goes…in a tiny plastic bag, tucked safely in her back pocket. In the midst of flirting, as Mason desperately tried to get the sand out of her eyes, the girl had strayed too far away.

The waves were harsh and loud, and it pulled her under.

Irma was the Bartons’ only child. 

Rey could remember screaming; the echo of it taunting her. If it was her voice or the girl’s, she couldn’t tell. She just knew that the moment her eyes cleared and Mason was out of her way, there was no one else in that beach. 

Irma was gone.

They both ran to the sea, praying to God they find her. Praying, praying, praying…

“Irma!”

_ Rey! _

“IRMA!”

_ Where’s the girl?  _ The voices asked.  _ Where is she? _

“Rey!” 

_ Rey, what did you do? _

“IRMA!” She gasped as Mason pulled out a body from the waters. Her vision was fogged from the tears and she sobbed as she tried to wake her up. “Irma!” 

“Rey!” 

Strong hands were grasping her shoulders, shaking her from the depths of her dream. It was cold, and the water was real. It soaked half of her already, the waves continually crashing against her body--and his.

Ben’s face was nearly a shadow save from the moon’s eerie glow. But even there, she could see the sheer worry in his eyes. 

“Are you alright?” He demanded, looking at her face with such intensity; his hands now held her head, cupping her cheeks. And to her surprise, he wipes away the tears that stained them. “Rey.”

A dog barks from the shore, a labrador. 

Ben glances at it for a moment. “Artoo! Quiet!”

The dog settles down, and so does she. This was real. She was here, not in that dream. Not anymore. 

“I’m sorry.”

Apparently, one of the side effects of the pills was sleepwalking. This has only happened to her a handful of times and it was a prior concern with Finn. Rey knows that he’s not going to be happy with this if he finds out. 

“It’s fine,” Ben finally replies. “I was considering a midnight swim.” It was a joke, she realized, not a jab at her being such an inconvenience. 

She sniffs. The cold was getting to her. 

“Let’s go in before you freeze to death,” and his arms was immediately around her holding her up. 

Whatever war she’s been waging against him falls away with the sound of Mrs. Barton’s cries, and if only for a night, she raises a white flag hoping to rest. 

When they approached the house, a shadow was standing on the roof. 

“Did you get her?” 

It was Poe, holding up a phone.

Ben replied easily, “She’s here with me, isn’t she? It’s not  _ that _ dark.”

“Save the sarcasm, will you?” He retorted.

“I can’t,” the big man says. “I was too busy saving her.”

Rey sighed heavily at their banter and pulled away from Ben. “Thank you...for coming after me.”

“We’re not finished,” he suddenly mutters, low enough for her to hear alone. “I’m going to get you a towel. There’s a blanket on the couch. Grab that and sit by the fire.”

Too tired to argue, she follows his instructions and watches him lead the dog to the backyard. As soon as she got inside the house, she hears the screen door at the kitchen slam shut. 

The blanket on the couch was made of wool, woven with intricate details of a characters she’s never seen before. The colors were made for autumn, and the orange and golden hues were warm in her eyes.

Ben had probably been reading by the fireplace before he went out. A copy of Dickinson’s collection lay near the hearth, a Costco receipt tucked in between the pages, and a glass of what seems to be rum or whisky was beside it. 

When he returned, he immediately handed over a towel and a pair of pajamas. 

“Poe gave it to me. He said he’ll be down in a minute. He’s talking to your friend.”

_ Shit,  _ Rey inwardly cussed. Finn would be furious. Not only at her but at Poe, too. This was a mess. 

“The pills were a bad idea,” she muses aloud. 

“You better change first,” Ben tells her, distracted enough to have missed her remark. “We don’t want you getting sick on top of this.”

“Why don’t I just go up—”

“Because Poe is going ballistic,” he interjects quickly. “He asked me to look after you while he...I don’t know, sort things out.”

_ What a mess, _ Rey groaned at herself. The two must be going at it over the phone. She would have to call Finn later and get Poe off the hook. In the meantime, she takes Ben’s advice. She goes to the bathroom and changes quickly, the warmth of dry clothes comforting her immediately. 

She stares at herself in the mirror yet all she can see is a frail ghost of a girl wearing awfully big pajamas. 

When she came out of the bathroom, Ben was expecting her. In his hands were two cups—

“Hot coco or tea?” He offered a bit quietly. 

Her hand reaches for him. “Tea, please.” He gives it to her, the jade-colored mug filled halfway with steaming liquid that smelled of chamomile. “Thank you.”

They go back to the living room and sat by the fire. For a moment, everything was quiet. And then came the questions. 

“Are you sure you’re from Arizona?”

“What?”

Ben shrugs. “You were more English when you were talking in your sleep.”

She refused to answer and sipped more of the tea. Then she stopped. She realized that the tea was very telling.

Ben tried again. “You don’t have to say anything--”

“I wasn’t going to,” she said firmly. 

He goes quiet, much longer this time. The only sound that filled the room was the crackling of the fire, the smell of burning wood wafted through the air. They took deep breaths, watching the lit embers dance, and drank their drinks in peace. 

For some reason, Rey was hypnotised to tell some truth. 

“I can’t really remember much of anything.” 

_ Except for Irma. _

Irma was always going to be there. She haunts her memories like a ghoul, or maybe it’s the other way around.

“There was just a lot of sand,” she admitted. “In every frame of my memory, sand covers most of them.”

Her eyes flickered to his. But he had already been looking. Maybe he never took his eyes off her. 

“Anything before or past it is a blur.”

Ben nods, understanding. “You know,” he says. “The more I think about it, the less I want to know.” Then he stands up, the entirety of his being blocking most of her view, and he disappears into the corridor.

Rey contemplated if this meant he’s lost interest or perhaps he didn’t want to push her anymore. Or both. Before she could come up with an answer, Poe storms down the staircase and pulls her in his arms. 

“I will never, ever,  _ ever _ let you out of my sight  _ ever  _ again,” he promises and she tightens her hold on him. 

“I’m really sorry,” she murmurs sheepishly. “I honestly didn’t think I’d get all the way there.”

Her attempt at a comedic remark only earned her a worried gaze from Poe. More quietly, he replies, “You’re going to have to talk to Finn tomorrow morning. For now, you need to rest and you’ll have to put up with me watching you like a darn hawk.”

He embraces her again, the smell of lavender soap making the urge to sleep a bit stronger this time. Over his shoulder, something catches her eye.

Ben’s retreating shadow is the last thing she sees before Poe ushers her back into their bedroom.


	4. Beyond Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A truce. A trip. And a visitor.

When Rey woke up that morning, Poe was still sleeping soundly next to her. His eyes were barely shut but his light snores were enough of an indication that he was fully unconscious. 

Rey sighed as she watched him. She had to find a way to make it up to him, what with scaring the hell out of him and all. She was careful not to make a sound, afraid to disturb his sleep, and slid out of bed gently with soft steps to the door. 

The house was already in its usual morning buzz; Leia was out front, busy with fixing the swing in the porch, Han was helping her out, and Ben was in the kitchen, baking again. As soon as the oven made a ding, the smell of fresh croissants wafted through the air. 

“Good morning,” she greeted as she plopped down the landing. “You baked something new.”

“Have you never seen a croissant before?”

Rey tried not to make a face. She was quite determined to be friendly with him today after the incident last night. 

“I just haven’t seen you bake one before.”

“You can watch me eat it too if you want.”

It took her a second to realize that Ben was returning a remark, that this just suddenly became a friendly banter. She couldn’t believe her ears at all that the moment passed too soon. He didn’t even smile. In fact, he looked a bit embarrassed. 

Ben cleared his throat. “I made English muffins an hour ago. They’re mom’s favorite. They’re on the table.” And with that, he slams the oven door shut, takes his plate and heads outside. 

Rey let out a snort as she went for the plate of freshly baked English muffins covered by another plate. There was even a jar of blueberry preserves beside it. How thoughtful. She actually likes blueberry jam. As she hunted for a bread knife, Poe was coming down the stairs. 

“Hey.”

“Morning,” she says with a small smile. “Glad you’re up. Ben just made English muffins—”

“Yeah, I already had carbs yesterday,” Poe replies apologetically, cutting her off. “Has Finn called you yet?”

“No, why?”

“He hasn’t been answering my calls.”

“It’s probably just too early. It is a Wednesday.”

To that, Poe stares after her. “Is it?”

“I’m not...actually sure now,” Rey murmurs; distracted by the look of panic flashing across Poe’s face. “It’s been a blur. Why? What’s wrong?”

“Wednesday. Uncle Luke. He’s coming in tomorrow.”

Rey breathed a sigh of relief. “You still have one day, then. Relax.”

“I can’t!” He croaked and heaved irregular breaths. “That man overwhelms me so much. Just the thought of him opening his mouth...I can’t.”

She began patting his back, rubbing circles on his shoulder blades, and urging him to breathe. “You can do it. Come on. Do it with me. One, two—”

“ _ Jesus Christ _ ,” Ben mutters as he enters back inside. “You do realize you have a room upstairs, right? For that exact purpose?”

Rey slips. “What,  _ no _ !” 

Poe lightly taps her knee and raises a brow. “Try not to say it like  _ you’re _ offended,” he said through gritted teeth. 

“I mean,” she backtracks loudly. “We’re not discussing this with you. And it wasn’t what it looked like,  _ Jesus Christ _ .”

“Stop using the lord’s son’s name in vain,” Leia adds as she too pops inside the house, her forehead beaded with sweat. “At least till after Luke leaves. You know how he is about religion.”

“Amen,” Han grumbles, trailing after his wife.

“And so it begins,” Ben grumbles before stuffing his mouth with a final bite of his croissant. 

“Oh, Benjamin?” Leia calls from down the hall. “The neighbor called again.”

Rey watches as he stops mid-step, his face betraying him entirely.

“You didn’t kidnap their dog in the middle of the night again, did you?”

Ben doesn’t reply right away, pursing his lips and perhaps contemplating if he should even give an answer. Rey found it all too amusing.

“Ben?” The old woman pushes. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

To that, he obliged eagerly. “I didn’t.”

Leia huffed in the corner before reappearing in the living room. “Liar,” she mouths at him but in a fond motherly kind of way.

“I’m getting punished for this, aren’t I?” 

“Yup,” Han replies, handing Leia a small towel. “You get to fetch your uncle’s car in the next town over.”

Ben closed his eyes in remorse. 

“Oh, we can do that!” Rey offers suddenly, making Poe look back at her in awe. “It’ll be nice...you know, some scenery…”

“Sorry, dear,” Leia says, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “I actually need Poe’s help for the feast tonight.”

“A feast?” Poe and Ben asked simultaneously. It was obvious neither one of them had been informed. 

“We invited our next-door neighbor, some of your father’s...associates, and a few folks from town.” Leia replied. 

The boys waited for an explanation. 

This time, Leia narrowed her eyes at them both. “It’s your grandmother’s death anniversary.”

“Ohh!” For the first time since they’ve arrived, Rey could actually see two brothers. There was a bond here, a strong one, before they grew up. Or maybe before they grew  _ apart _ . 

That bond, however, got a strong whack at the head from Leia. “Shame on you both! Forgetting Ma’s death anniversary!”

“Sorry, mom,” they say, still in-sync, scratching their heads. 

“What’ll we be making then?” Rey pipes up, grinning at Leia and pulling her attention away completely.

“A mix of everything, I guess,” Leia replies, forgetting about her sons quickly. “Poe has more recipes to share, having been around the world,you know?”

Rey nodded. Of course she would know this. She  _ should _ . But in the rare instance that she let herself socialize with Poe and Finn in a bigger setting, she hardly paid any real attention to anything. She regrets that now. 

“What can I do to help?” She offers instead, looking at Poe suggestively. 

“No, no, you’re our guest,” Leia insists. “It’s better if you just take a rest. Relax.”

Rey catches something in her tone that bothered her. Her eyes wandered to Ben first, but he was barely in the room as he talked with his father. Then she looked at Poe. He averted his gaze. 

Rey sighs. He told Leia. 

“He told you about last night,” she murmurs under her breath. “I’m really sorry about that--”

“Oh, no! Not at all,” the old woman says but rather patronizingly. “It’ll just make me feel a whole lot better if we didn’t trouble you.”

“It’s no trouble.” Rey said but she was immediately overshadowed by Ben.

“Dad’s out again,” he says, looking down at the floor. 

The screen door at the back suddenly slammed shut and the sound of the car engine getting started all made them look outside. 

Leia heaved a heavy sigh, her shoulder sagging. Poe took that as his cue to grab the car keys. 

“C’mon, Ma,” he says. “We’ll go to town and get some groceries. I can teach you how the Japanese make that sauce you really like, you remember? The one I carried over for Thanksgiving last year?”

Leia smiles at this and nodded. “That’ll be nice, hon.”

“Hey, uh, Rey?” Poe beckons her over as Leia goes outside. “Would you mind if you stay here?”

“No--” 

“‘Cause I really need to talk to her...you know…”

“Yeah, sure,” she says quickly. “Go ahead.”

“Thank you.”

“Actually, Poe, since she’s staying...,” Ben begins. “Do you mind if I take her with me? To get the car?”

Poe looks at him for a moment, assessing him maybe, and then his gaze turns to Rey. “It’s your call,” he tells her. 

She considered this carefully. She has decided to raise a white flag this morning. A whole day shouldn’t be a bad start, right?

“Sure,” she says again. 

Rey glances over and finds Ben staring at her with a quizzical look on his face. Whatever it is he’s trying to figure out, Rey knew that it was either going over his head or it was just way beyond him to fully contemplate. Still, she was always up for a challenge. A whole day with Ben Solo should be interesting. 

~

“We’re taking the bus?” 

The heat was just barely tolerable, but Ben knew that this good weather in daylight usually brings a night of heavy rain. He didn’t know if he wanted this trip to be as quick as possible or not. 

“Well,” he says, sighing. “My dad took the truck, and Poe took the jeep. So, we’re taking the bus.”

“How many hours is it going to take us?”

“Why, are you already bored?” He asked, on the verge of curiosity and being offended at the same time. 

Rey takes a pause. “No,” she decided after a while. “I just...don’t want to be a nuisance.”

“You’re not a nuisance,” he reassured her. “It was  _ my _ idea, wasn’t it?”

“I know that.” She looked at the empty road, and then stared up at him. “ _ Why _ did you invite me?”

Ben shrugged, watching the empty road now too. 

“What?”

“You just looked lost back there,” he replies quietly, not looking at her still. “Like you’re afraid. Like you didn’t want to disappoint her, now that she knew.”

“Well,” and she huffed out a heavy breath. “It is embarrassing.”

“What, your episode?” He didn’t mean to sound mean or condescending, but it came out that way. 

Rey narrowed his eyes at him just as he looked at her. 

He looked elsewhere again. 

“It was one time, Rey,” he says. 

“Once is bad enough,” she retorts.

He scoffs at this. 

“What?” She snaps, annoyed. 

“They’re used to it,” he tells her instead. “Trust me.”

Ben didn’t want to watch her look of disdain into understanding. He could feel it brewing underneath the surface already. There had been so much in this family that he tried to bury over the years; most of it were things he’s done...things that he is. 

To see someone struggle with the same confusion and guilt, he couldn’t take it. Not to make it into a competition but he knows he’s been worse. There were nights that he would just scream, almost waking up the entire beach. The night terrors were the worst; the drugs something else entirely. He stopped taking sleeping pills after Han left and it was up to Leia to usher him out from the ocean if it came down to it. 

Artoo used to be their dog, or at least for a while he was lent to them. To watch over him. Now he’s back to old Ben’s, guarding the old hermit from robbers. 

When the bus arrived, Rey boarded first and took a seat by the window. She smiled at the blue empty sky when he sat down, and Ben swore he’s never seen anything as bright before. 

~

Poe was fiddling with the car keys as Leia talked with Ms. D’Acy about the feast tonight. They’ve gathered their ingredients and their supplies, even small towels for guests and a few new napkins to set the table with. 

But after all that, Poe was unable to gather his thoughts. He had planned a trip to soothe things out, but with everything going on, it only seems to be unraveling faster. So as soon as Leia stood in front of him, her chic tote bag slung over her shoulder effortlessly, Poe blurted it out.

“I’m gay.”

For a time, Leia just stood there. Her face didn’t change much, just her eyes. She looked at him as if there was a puzzle piece she was trying to fit in him. 

“I’m a gay man, Ma. Fully homosexual. I’ve been living with a man, too...one that I love and adore. And I--” he paused, took a breath, and continued. “I don’t want to be apologetic about who I am, but I also don’t want to feel like I’ve disappointed you somehow and those two are hardly ever related. I just...I wanted you to know.”

The breath she took was heavy but it wasn’t laced with malice or anger. If Poe was being kind to himself, he could say that it was a sigh of relief. 

“Thank you for being honest, sweetheart,” she says as she cups his cheek with her hand. “But you’re in big trouble.”

“For being gay?”

“Christ, no!” And there was a laugh in her voice that he was aiming for. “For bringing that poor girl over to pretend to be your girlfriend. I mean, your brother already knows what’s up from what I can tell, so that’s a waste of effort right there.”

“He does?” That didn’t seem right.

“He looked suspicious.”

“Ben is  _ always _ suspicious.”

“Not like this,” she noted. “He pays too much attention to her, don’t you think?”

Poe grins. “Yeah, I get that.”

“That boy is either looking out for you, or looking out for himself.”

To that, he offered an alternative. “Maybe it’s both.”

Leia smiled, hopeful. “Maybe.”

When Poe pulled over by the dunes, there was a figure standing by their front door. He took the bags of grocery from the back and headed towards the house with his mother. It really didn’t take him long to recognize him, but what he couldn’t figure out was why he was here. Finn looked agitated, as if he was up all night (and maybe he was). When their eyes met, there were so many things that passed between them. Too many questions, not enough answers. 

Leia stood in the middle of it all. “I’m guessing you’re his bloke, then?” 

~

Rey’s head wasn’t heavy but it did give Ben little comfort knowing his shoulder was too far up for her to lean on, so he positioned her on his lap instead, even taking off his jacket to create a makeshift pillow for her instead of his...pants. 

As the hours went by, he realized what a stupid idea it was to bring her along. The trip was almost two (if not three) hours long. The scenery here wasn’t even worth the compensation, and it was hardly different from the one at home. The road stretched along the sea, snaking around the small hills of the island. The only indicator they were moving at all were the two stops they’ve made and the sun. 

It was well past lunch time when she woke up, consciously wiping at the corners of her mouth to make sure she hasn’t drooled (she didn’t). 

“Where are we?” Rey asks, still sleepy. 

“Just half an hour away.”

“That repair shop is quite far, isn’t it?”

He didn’t mean to roll his eyes but he did.

“What is it now?”

“No, no,” he says. “It’s a hefty observation.”

“I’m just--” and then she stopped. Ben had to look at her to figure out what it was that made her pause mid-sentence.

Rey stared after a vendor selling hotdogs on the side of the road. 

“Hungry?” 

Like a child, and without even meaning to, she pouted. Her head bobbed into quick two quick nods and she clutched her stomach subtly but Ben could already hear the unearthly grumble. 

He tried not to laugh, but stifling it was harder than he thought.

In a lightning-like move, Rey punched his shoulder. “Stop laughing!” But she whined and that made him laugh harder. 

Rey narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms across her chest. 

“Alright, alright,” he conceded. “We’re two minutes off the next stop. We can get some food there.”

“No,” she murmurs. “It’s fine. We can just eat at our stop.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. “Just wake me up when we get there.”

“You won’t get much sleep and it’ll make your head hurt.”

Rey tilted her head up in mock surrender. “I’m hungry, Ben. The only way I can  _ not _ think about food is sleeping it off.”

“Amuse yourself,” he says, pointing outside. “There’s going to be a cavern there with a mermaid statue by the rocks. It’ll be hard to see, but you might get a proper glimpse if you look hard.”

Immediately, she complied.

_ Like a child _ , he thought again. There seems to be moments like these with her, where she slips her adult skin and the child within shines through. Sometimes, he knows he’s like that too. He wondered if it had something with growing up so fast; the times you should’ve spent being a kid were taken, so now you’re making up for it. He sighed heavily and pulled something from the secret pocket of his jacket.

He taps Rey’s shoulder with it. When she turned to him, it was around the time you could see the mermaid statue he’s seen a thousand other times he and his dad took the long way here. 

“Wait, look!” He said urgently.

Rey didn’t miss it. Her face glowed, seeing the statue.

“That’s so beautiful!”

It really wasn’t. It was a slab of rock, nothing special about it. But for a moment, Ben wanted to say it too. 

“It really is,” he murmurs. 

Rey holds out her hand without looking at him. He smiles again, stifling a chuckle, and handed over his trail mix. He brought two before leaving home and ate the other one after they passed the first hour. He saved this one, thinking she might get hungry after that long nap. 

Sometimes it really pays being Ben Solo, even just for little things like this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not that anyone's reading this, but I'm sorry anyway for the delayed updates. I want to write as much as I can with as much heart as I can muster. So here's to hoping it won't take me months for a follow-up! If you have any comments, just be respectful about them, and leave them in the comment section below!


	5. Bad Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben find themselves at the beginning of a mini adventure. Meanwhile, Poe's unexpected visitor gives him a chance to start a proper conversation with Leia.

“There’s a diner right around the block,” he tells her. “Do you mind waiting there while I patch things up with the repair?”

Rey looked at him funny. “What’s there to patch up?”

“Just, uh...payment and stuff.”

She didn’t say anything. 

“You can go ahead and order what you want,” he says, as if this was going to distract her. 

It works for a nanosecond. “If you don’t come in five minutes, I’m going to get you.”

Rare as they were since the moment she’s met him, he smiles again. “I’m not a child, you know.”

“I know,” she replies. “You just look like you might need help though.”

_ What kind of help can she give me? _ He wondered then, small and frail as she was. She could easily be tethered to a string and be flown in the sky like a kite. He could even hold her like a fireman or a football player, her body tucked safely under his arms. Still, it amused him. This small human offering him help even though his biggest issue with the Casa is just Unkar’s attitude on overdue fees. 

“I’ll be fine,” he reassures her. “Go get your pancakes or something.”

“I will,” Rey says in her sing-songy voice, skipping away to the diner with the bright blue neon sign that says...Diner. Yes, with the ellipses. 

Ben headed towards the auto repair shop after he saw her get in alright. He kept his gaze down and his pace quick. It would take him at least an hour to get Unkar to do anything within the ballpark of what he wants him to do. 

The Rats, Unkar’s best mechanics, were always very friendly with him. So seeing them already waving at him as he approached was a good sign. He waved back a bit awkwardly and then all of a sudden, their faces fell. 

They looked a bit confused. Was it his hand? Was his wave wrong?

“So this is what ‘stuff’ meant in the Ben Solo dictionary,” Rey says, suddenly popping up beside him. “I got to say, this is not what I had in mind with your nervous expression earlier. Turns out you might just be really scared of pretty girls—“

“What did I say about waiting in the diner?”

“It’s been five minutes.”

“It’s been five  _ seconds _ ,” he corrected through gritted teeth. 

Rey grinned. “That’s what  _ I _ said,” as if the joke would be appreciated at this point. “Come on, then. Let’s get your uncle’s car.”

~

“Your uncle’s car is a piece o’ junk,” Rey said as Unkar pulled it out from the back like it was a forgotten lasagna in the fridge. 

_ Looks like it too _ , Rey thought. 

With its red and yellow streaks and the curvy (bent? Damaged? What is it?) metal work, it wasn’t an inaccurate description. 

“That’s what I told them,” Ben mutters under his breath. “They just keep using it when he’s around. It’ll get broken afterwards and it has to be towed back here till next year...when we have to do it all over again.”

“What’s wrong with it? Apart from the obvious ones?”

“Everything else,” Unkar tells her. “Now, did you bring the payment, boy?”

“How much is it, Plutt?”

The big—well, bigger—man pulls at his belt and keeps his hands there, staring him down. 

“Twelve thousand.”

“Uh-uh, no way,” Ben said, shaking his head. “That’s too much.”

“I put in a new engine. That’s around six. New air-condition, two-five, there’s also the service charge, and the paint job—”

“Costs nothing if it looks like that,” Rey interjected. “I know someone who can do a better job for only five hundred bucks.”

“It’s a hybrid so the engine took awhile to piece together. And if you haven’t noticed, it’s  _ my _ garage, girly,” Unkar said, looking at her with disdain. “Every year, these assholes bring it over here for storing and repair only to grab it out at the last second. Every year. For  _ ten _ years.” He huffs at Ben. “Twelve is being kind.”

“Twelve is too high if they’re loyal  _ and  _ valuable customers, then.” Without a second thought, Rey goes for the hood and pops it open. “If I worked on this—” but this made Unkar laugh unkindly hard. 

“You?” He scoffs. “Your hands are too soft, kid. Don’t kid yourself.”

“Shut up, Plutt,” Ben nonchalantly remarks. “Here’s your twelve. Just shut up.”

“Uh-uh, no way!” Rey starts but Ben holds her off. “You can get this trash car for six, Ben. Don’t be stupid.”

“I’m not,” he tells her. “Just get in.”

There was a glint of mischief in his eyes that made her stop.

“Get in,” he repeats, eyes wide with meaning. 

Rey bit at her lip but obeyed, giving Unkar one last death glare before sliding down to the passenger seat. The women at the garage, all of which were wearing identical red collared shirts and black overalls looking like they’ve come out of a magazine cover, looked at Ben expectantly. 

“Ladies,” he says, nodding his head at them as if he wanted to tip his nonexistent hat right about now. 

And then like bees, they were  _ swarming _ .

“We put a spare tire in the back,” one says. “The old one’s a hazard.”

“Oh,” he says, flustered. “Thanks.”

“Thea also put in extra tapes,” another adds.

The girl, Thea (Rey assumed), blushed ten shades of red. “Shut up, you guys!”

“Thanks, Thea,” and he winks. 

_ He winked?  _ Rey was in disbelief. 

“Alright, time to hit the road!” Ben says after looking at her. He skips to the driver seat in three long strides and locks the door as soon as he gets in. 

“Put your seatbelt on,” he whispers to her.

“What?”

He leaned over then, grabbing the seatbelt on her side and tucking her in himself. “It’s going to be a bumpy one.”

That, Rey knew. This piece of junk will hardly get them a mile out before it breaks down. Ben starts the engine and shifts the gear, stepping on the gas as aggressively as was humanly possible. 

“Why are we in such a hurry?” Rey demanded as they hit a speed bump, launching her to hit the low roof.

“Because I only paid half and the other half are coupons designed as a thousand dollars,” he replies.

Rey gawks at him. “No, you didn’t!”

“What was I supposed to do? I was low on cash. And Luke never leaves money for his stupid car.” He glances at her briefly, grinning. “Plus, you’re the one who was calling me stupid so...this is partly your crime too.”

Her mouth hung open, but the thought alone made her laugh so she did. She filled the car with incredulous laughter, giddy and high from commiting (somewhat) a crime. 

“But honestly,” she says. “Twelve is unreasonable.”

“It is,” he agrees. “And we don’t like that, do we?”

Rey tried to stifle a grin. “No. No, we don’t.”

She didn’t mean to, but she liked the sound of that. A collective  _ we _ . She settled in her seat, feeling the fresh air licking her face (because the air-condition doesn’t start until a few minutes), and closing her eyes as the bright sun shone through. It was a nice day. 

“Want to put some music?” He asks, and Rey took the honor of browsing through the mixtapes the Thea girl made for him. “Just don’t choose anything techno.”

“You got me there,” she murmurs, flipping through the cassettes. “This one looks good.” It was covered in red see-through plastic and the list on the back featured the best from the eighties. She feeds it to the radio and cranks the volume up to eleven. 

The Promise by When in Rome was playing; a perfect background song for this view; a road before them, chasing after the winds. The waves crashing underneath its groovy tone added an effect and Rey could feel herself dancing to the music. As she gazes over at Ben, she sees his head nodding rhythmically too. 

“So, what is it?” He suddenly asks.

“What?”

“What is it that made you fall in love with my brother?”

Rey turned her eyes ahead. She didn’t want to ruin this moment and be dishonest, but she couldn’t  _ not _ lie either. 

“I mean, he’s great. I know he is. But I can’t help thinking that…”

“What?”

“That you’re not really a good fit.”

“For your brother?” She demanded, feeling his opinion sting even though she could hardly care. She shouldn’t care at all what he thinks...should she?

“No,” he replies, calmly. “Just. The two of you...I don’t get it.”

“What’s there to get?” Rey mutters, knowing that the next words out of her mouth will sound as natural as a hurricane during mass. “We just like to fuck, that’s all.”

Ben visibly flinched at that and for a split second, she wished she could take it back. 

“I didn’t think to take your relationship that lightly,” he murmured. 

“It’s not,” she says, scrambling for a better explanation. “I don’t know why I said that...I love your brother.” And as if to convince herself more than Ben, she adds, “Really.”

“Hmm,” he merely replies. 

They went quiet after that, but that’s when the engine decided to sputter, groaning in annoyance. The car dies in the middle of the road.

“Fuck.” They both say. 

~

“What are you doing here?” Poe demanded but thought better of it. “I’m happy you are, but—”

Finn paid no attention to him and instead turned to Leia. “I’m sorry for dropping in on you uninvited, but I really needed to see my sister, Rey.”

“Ohhh,” she mused. “So you’re the brother?”

“I am.” He smiled warmly at her. “I just got really worried. Poe told me what happened and I just had to come. This doesn’t happen very often, you know?”

“I understand,” she says. “I’m sure she and Ben will be back shortly.”

It was meant to be a reassurance but that took Finn by surprise. Poe gulped. 

“Ben?” He asked and it was obvious from his tone how well (or rather, how little) he knew him. 

“Yes, I’m sure you heard of him.” Leia replies, unbaffled. “Why don’t you come inside and wait for them here?” 

Finn pursed his lips. Poe had told him countless stories about Ben Solo. Not all endearing. Actually, nothing was of that remark at all. Finn worried even more. It was evident on his face that he wanted to leave and look for her immediately. But here was Leia, inviting him in, and he really couldn’t say no. 

He sighs in resignation. “That would be lovely, Mrs. Solo. Thank you.”p

“You must’ve had a journey,” she noted, urging him in, and they started to talk about the traffic and the ferry schedules.

Meanwhile, Poe was in complete awe of Finn coming into their family home as if this was always meant to happen. Luke was coming in tomorrow and here was his boyfriend, the person he wants to protect the most from the worst person he knows, hanging around the house like a tornado isn’t about to blow this whole thing off. 

He badly needed Rey to come home. He needs her to get Finn out of here before it’s too late. 

~

“And they wanted twelve grand for this shit?” She cried out, staring at the smoking hood. “Jesus Christ.”

“It’s a good thing it’s a stick so we can just push it,” Ben says.

Rey looks at him from head to toe. “Yup,” she agrees. “You’ll have no trouble with that, I think.”

He closed his eyes and shrugged. “Fine,” he says. And again, “Fine.” He throws her the keys. “You know how to drive, right?”

“Of course I do,” she replies rather surly. “I’m not a complete idiot.”

Well. She hasn’t been driving in a while, but that doesn’t matter, right?

After Ben had tried to push the thing for the twenty-fifth time, he yelled.

“Are the keys even in the ignition?”

“Yes, it is!” Rey yells back. “I’m telling you, this thing is harder to control than it looks!”

“Just step on it!”

“I’m trying!” She growls, stepping harder than she’s ever stepped on anything and like reflex, she started to work her way around a stick shift again. The car started to move, fast. 

If she let her imagination run away with her, she could picture herself in a Fast & Furious movie. Either that or in a secret music video for Taylor Swift’s Getaway Car. 

With a move she’s only practiced in a pit once two years ago, she makes a sharp turn, making the engine roar, and circles back to get Ben. He was waiting right where she left him, his face and neck covered in sweat. But he smiled, rather amused with her display. 

“About done, Vanellope?”

Rey makes a face. “Who?”

“It’s from Wreck It Ralph,” Ben replies as if this was obvious. “Scoot.”

She lets him drive, perfectly comfortable being a passenger, but another thirty minutes later, Ben pulls over. 

“We’re out of gas.” He looks at the steering wheel as if it was the most absurd thing. 

Then Rey looked around and realized why that was. Nothing was up for miles. No gas stations. No motels. No diners. Her stomach grumbled again, reminding her that the meal she should’ve had two hours ago is  _ way _ past the deadline. 

“You don’t happen to have any trail mix left, do you?” She asked sheepishly.

Ben’s lips turned to a grim line as he shook his head. “Come on,” he said, sighing. “We have to walk.”

They both got out of the car and left it on the side of the road. 

“I really should’ve just paid Unkar the full twelve,” he mutters to himself. 

“What?” Rey asked. “It’s not like this thing shuts down on command…” then her eyes widened at the thought. “Is it?”

“No,” and he lets out a half-hearted laugh. “But it’s karma. Not paying him. Us ending up walking.”

“You believe in that?”

Ben nodded. “I believe in a balance. The world can’t work without it. If something good happens, something bad will counter it, and vice-versa. It’s just the way it works.”

Rey thought about that for a while. “Is that why you’re mean to your mom?”

“I’m not--” he immediately became defensive but was pacified in a quick second. Ben took a breath and shook his head. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

“I’m not mean to Mom,” he says. “I’m just not  _ that _ close to her.”

“I can see that. But why?”

He made a face at her then. “Why does this matter?”

“Because,” but Rey really couldn’t think of a reason. Not a proper one anyway. “We have a long way to go and it’s the one thing that’s bugging my mind.”

“Ah, but it’s not the only thing now, is it?”

He got her there. “What’s up with your dad?”

Ben sighed. Rey thought that she should probably shut up now, but then the strangest thing happened: he started to answer. 

“Han’s...complicated. A lot of the things in my family are complicated but my dad is something else entirely.” He kept his eyes down, but even with his hunched shoulders and his head bent down, Rey saw him incapable of being small. “Mom doesn’t like talking about it. Talking is her specialty, but talking about  _ it _ ...no, talking about it would make it real for her. I guess that’s why when he came back, she just acted like it didn’t happen.”

“Did you know why your dad left?”

To this, Ben shrugged. “It could be a number of things.” But even then, Rey felt him holding back. He felt it too. 

What she didn’t know was how easy it was to make him surrender. 

“I always thought it was me,” he whispered. “I mean, I  _ know _ it was me. But not talking about it makes room for a whole other speculation, don’t you think? Maybe that’s why Leia doesn’t like discussing the issue. Maybe that’s why we never fixed it. Never brought it up. Never fully had closure on it.”

For a moment, Rey could see a boy instead of a man. Walking alongside her was a shadow of a kid who blamed himself for things that were out of his control. She knew that whatever it is he thought he did to create this sort of mess is unfounded, and heavily relied on self-hate and guilt more than anything else. She knew, because she’s that way too. She was also a shadow of a girl who never really understood why the things that happened to her happened at all. For years there was nothing to do but blame herself because there was no one else. She alone was responsible for the decisions she’d made. That’s why she’s stuck now. All of this spiraled out of her control and there wasn’t any other reason save for one: it was her choice. 

She didn’t see it coming, nor did she feel it. Rey watched herself reaching out to touch his hair, smoothing down the gentle waves on the nape of his neck, as if to soothe him. He stops and so does she, her hand still touching him. 

Ben looks down at her, his face completely devoid of any emotion she could recognize--well, any emotion she knows of him anyway. He holds the hand on his head, gripping tightly but not enough to hurt her, and just holds it. They don’t say anything, not even when they resumed walking. There was only comfort in holding one’s hand as you go down an unfamiliar road. 

~

Poe was busy chopping the onions while Finn and Leia conversed easily, setting up the tables outside and hanging a few festive-looking lamps that were really just ordinary lampshades covered in colored cellophane. 

His phone was nestled between his shoulder and his ear, the endless ringing of Rey’s mobile the only thing he’s hearing. Poe cursed under his breath as he almost cut his finger. 

“Where are you?” He wanted to ask. 

He had the tomatoes in the bowl as well as the minced onions, some sauteed beef, and that sauce Leia made once but couldn’t replicate. Luckily, he could. The smell of the dish itself, a family specialty, filled the kitchen and if he wasn’t so worried about everything going on all at once, he’d be so damn pleased with himself. 

“Have you finished with the skewers, dear?” Leia calls from outside.

“In a minute!” He replies, his head tilting ever so slightly that his phone immediately slid and took a dive into the sauce. 

Poe curses again, louder this time.

“You alright, mate?” Finn demanded, just as distant as Leia was.

He bit at his lip, trying not to lose it. “I’m fine,” he decided. “I’m fine!”

He wasn’t fine. There should be no reason for distress. There shouldn’t be. But he couldn’t help but feel himself sink into oblivion. His crazy uncle was arriving in less than a day and he won’t be able to get Finn out of here before then. Rey, his one and only responsibility, is out and about with another crazy relative and Finn is without a doubt dumping his ass should anything happen to her. In fact, Poe was very certain that Finn  _ will _ break up with him as soon as they get back. 

“Why is everything so screwed up?” He mutters to himself.

Leia appears all of a sudden, looking at him with that motherly concern but at the same, just in pure and utter disbelief. “Well for starters, you added an inedible ingredient,” she says. “Get your damn phone out of my sauce.”

Poe fished it out with a tong and looked up, searching for Finn. “Where is he?” 

“He’s talking with Mr. Wexley,” she says. Leia begins to stir at the sauce, trying to see if there were any other devices swimming in there. “He  _ is _ the boy you’re seeing, right?”

“Yeah,” he replies easily. And then, in another wave of anxiety, “Why?”

To this, she shrugs. “No wonder he’s trying so damn hard to charm my pants off.”

Poe chuckles at this, breathing a bit easier. If Finn wants to make a good impression then that should be a good sign, right?

“How are you feeling, son?”

“I’m getting there,” he says. “Did you talk to Han yet?”

“Yes.” Her voice was steady but Poe always knew when she wasn’t telling the truth. “I won’t lie if you don’t,” she whispers to him. 

He took a deep breath and then he let it go. “I’m terrified, ma.”

“Of what?” 

“Of  _ everything _ ,” he said. “I don’t know. I just didn’t realize…”

“What?”

Poe looked her in the eye as if he was stripped to the bone. So much of his soul had been laid before this woman who was more than a foster mother to him; she was his mentor, his confidante, his best friend. 

“How much it scares me...not being good enough--” he paused and took it back. “No, not even good. Just to be enough or the not-being of it. That’s what terrifies me. Am I making sense?” 

Leia laughs but it was more out of sadness than actual amusement. 

“Makes perfect sense to me,” she huffs. Leia leans on the counter, staring down at her sad little linoleum floor. “Han and I are working things out. But there’s so much mess in between that it’s taking a toll on both of us.”

“I see that, ma.”

“And I know that you boys are taking it hard, too. Maybe trying to act normal and  _ be _ normal isn’t really helping. But it can’t hurt either way now, can it?”

Poe held out his hand and pulled his mother into his arms. “No, it can’t,” he reassured her. “But the sauce really needs more salt.”

This time when Leia laughed, she meant it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out, I still have readers! HELLO! I want to say I appreciate taking your time to read my little fic and for leaving those hearts and comments for it <3 much love!


	6. stripped down but not (yet) naked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Maz's Diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: this chapter gets a bit heavier so please keep in mind that I've marked this work "M" for a reason. I didn't write anything explicitly but there is an indication of possible drug use (in previous chapters) and self harm. I hope this piece doesn't trigger anyone and I understand if you feel a certain way after reading this or if you do not wish to continue. Not to trick you into reading but I was careful not to describe anything that could make *anybody* uncomfortable.

“Where are we?” 

It’s been an hour and there hasn't been a single car that passed by. The sun was fairly up in the sky and with her lack of jewelry, Rey could only guess that it’s past three. Her phone kept dying too (which is convenient, given the state of things). Then again, it always had a glitch. That’s what happens when you keep banging it against a table or dropping it when you’re too far drunk to remember you only have enough money to buy a secondhand phone. 

Ben squinted and Rey followed his gaze. Hope made her heart leap but it was relief that made her sigh.

“Thank god,” she said as they both eyed the nearby gas station. 

Was it the same one she saw that hotdog cart in? She can’t remember. She’s just hungry and tired, and to be quite frank, she really wanted to go home and have a long shower. 

Five minutes later, they’ve hitched a ride to get back to Luke’s hybrid. Ben told the driver that if he’d left an hour early, he would’ve saved them a lot of time walking. The driver didn’t appreciate that. 

Equipped with a good liter of gasoline and two candy bars (when really, they should’ve bought more but both of them were really low on cash—Rey, specifically), they were dropped off right where they left the shitty car. 

“Do you need me to drive?” Rey asks. “You might be tired.” 

Ben seemed to consider this as he filled up the tank. After a moment, she saw him through the side mirror nodding to himself.

“Does my offer for help really sound that good or is my voice just music to your ears?” She teased, feeling more comfortable now than she has been these past couple of days.

He tried to hide it but he smiled. She saw it. “It’s your silence.” Ben slides in the passenger seat just as Rey starts the engine. 

For a while, they just drove like that. Windows down, nothing but the sound of the gusting wind coming through the car...actually, the wind was becoming more deafening by the minute. As they covered more road, speeding up to sixty, huge drops of water started to patter against the windshield. 

“Oh no.” Ben started to wind up the windows but Rey couldn’t do the same with both of her hands gripping the wheel.

She didn’t want to let go and risk it. She’s learned that lesson the hard way. Unfortunately, she wasn’t invincible from the rain. Her left ear felt clogged already and half of her body was getting soaked. 

“Pull over!” Ben said but they were on a bend. Rey couldn’t do it. The road was too narrow, and even though there were hardly any cars, she still wouldn’t take the chance of just stopping right here to pull up her silly window.

“I’m fine,” she tried to say but it was too late. The big man beside her swoops in, right underneath her arms to crank the window up.

“Stupid car,” she heard him mutter but she couldn’t really focus. Not when he was this close that his body was acting like a second seatbelt. 

As soon as he pulled away, she started to breathe a bit easier but Rey knew that her face was too hot for any sort of conversation. 

“Sorry,” he tells her quietly. 

“No, no,” she quickly interjects. “It’s fine. I’m sorry.”

Ben pursed his lips and she could feel him contemplating whether or not to keep this non-conversation going. When he opened his mouth, she knew he decided on the former.

“They might be closing the roads by now.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s a storm. It usually floods the bridge and the main road because it’s too close to the sea.”

Rey couldn’t believe that. “It just started raining,” she pointed out. “We’ll make it.”

“That doesn’t look like rain, Rey,” and Ben points up at the clouds. “It looks too heavy. I really think we should pull over.”

“But where? You said it yourself. The roads can get flooded.”

“Well, we just passed by the gas station so it shouldn’t be long till we get to Maz’s Diner.”

She sighed but nodded. “Okay. Can you call Leia or Poe to tell them we’re going to be stuck for a while?”

“I’m already on it,” and he was. He already had his phone out; his huge arms an ill-fit in this low-roofed car as he searched for a reception. “Dammit.”

“No signal?”

He shook his head.

“Maz has a payphone,” he said, rather reassuringly. 

“That’s good.” 

“And a motel.”

Rey didn’t know what to say to that yet so she just nodded along. It was probably her delayed response that gave it away, but all she could do next was to repeat exactly what she just said three minutes ago. 

“That’s good.”

The stopover was easy to miss with its dimly lit storefront and the badly placed signage. It was a good thing that Ben knew it so well, otherwise Rey would’ve totally bypassed it. 

The motel turns out to be an extension. It was attached to the diner as it was the most ideal and convenient way for Maz to manage both, or so Ben says. Rey parked the car beside the only other vehicle there, an ostentatious Cadillac the shade of roasted carrots, and darted for the door with Ben right behind her. The bells rang as they came in, and immediately, Rey was overcome with a sense of calm as she breathed in the heady scent of freshly brewed hazelnuts. 

“Hey, Maz!” Ben raised an arm with the biggest smile on his face but Rey couldn’t see who he was greeting. He shook water off his luscious locks like a dog and laughed when a towel was thrown squarely at his head.

Rey barely managed to dodge hers. “Hey!”

“Hey yourself,” said an elderly woman’s voice. 

When she glanced again, there she was. She was a little woman, Maz. But her attitude was big. Rey could see why she had such a unique name. A person like that, with her fiery orange curls and her big brown eyes, not to mention the swiss army knife carefully tucked within her thick belt needs only three letters for an introduction. 

“It’s been a long time, young Solo,” Maz says. “Still hauling trouble?”

“Hardly,” he replies. “Do you have any rooms?”

“Sure do,” she mutters haughtily, eyeing him. “You can stop dripping on my floor and follow me.”

Rey held up her hand as if she was in class but Maz humored her anyway. “Do you have a phone I can use, by any chance?”

“She needs to call her boyfriend,” Ben says, but not at all matter-of-factly. There was something in his voice that Rey would rather ignore for now. 

“Ah,” Maz says without much enthusiasm. “I thought that’d be you.”

“It’s my brother,” Ben adds and that got a reaction. 

“Really now?” The little woman raised both brows, glancing at them both. “You don’t say.” Maz turns to Rey then and points at the kitchen doorway. “Just drop a quarter in the bowl on your way out.”

“Okay, thanks,” she says and looks up at Ben but he was already walking with Maz to another door. 

~

“How’s your mother doing?”

Ben didn’t know what answer would pacify Maz’s curiosity. She’s very intuitive, Maz. Anything less than the truth she would call out to be utter bullshit and Ben couldn’t get his imagination working. 

He opted for the truth then. “Same old, same old.”

“Uh-huh,” Maz mutters under her breath. “Still picking up that trash your uncle drives around town?”

“I don’t understand it too,” he admits. “He hardly ever comes home and he barely leaves the house when he does. I don’t know why he keeps it.”

“Sentimental value,” she notes. “That’s all there is to it. Old people like holding onto things. Keep that in mind.”

Ben chuckles. 

As they climbed up the steps to the motel lobby, Maz slips in her arms through his (which only reached halfway). “So, who’s the girl?” She asks inquisitively. 

He nearly froze, making him stumble on a step. 

Maz smiles. “Sentimental value?”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Hardly,” he says. 

She didn’t believe him. “I see the way you look at her.” 

“I don’t.”

“And when you’ve lived as long as I have—”

“You’re not  _ that _ old—”

“—you see the same eyes in different people.”

“And whose eyes do I have?” He tried to be sarcastic but Maz just pulled at his sleeve to make him stoop down and see hers.

“Your father’s,” she says. “When he looks at Leia.”

Ben sighed heavily. “Looked,” he corrected. “He doesn’t look at her that way anymore.”

Maz shrugs. “I haven’t seen either of your parents since...well.”

“How many rooms do you have, Maz?” He asks instead, eager to change the subject.

She gave him a sly grin then. “How many should I have?”

“Stop it,” he says. “Maz. I mean it.”

She waved him off and walked ahead to the front desk, set on ignoring him. Rey found them five seconds later, slightly shivering under that little towel Maz threw at her. 

“Phone’s not working,” she says.

Ben checked his phone. “I got two bars,” he tells her and dials his mom’s number. As the phone rang, he turned to Maz. “Hey, Maz, how ‘bout that room?” 

“Down the corridor, there’s another flight of stairs,” Maz tells Rey. “Up them, the first door on the left’s your room.”

“Thanks.”

Just as she passes by him, Leia picks up. 

_ “Hey, kid.” _

A thunder claps in the background. 

“Hi, Ma.”

_ “Where are you, guys? It’s nearly dark.” _

“Yeah, we got caught in the storm.”

_ “What storm?” _

Ben didn’t find that daunting at all. They were a few hours away and global warming is real so…

“Is it still sunny there?”

_ “Just like California, hon.” _

“Okay,” he murmurs. “Well, we’re at Maz’s. We’ll try to wait it out. Tell Poe not to worry too much. I’ll have Rey call him in a bit.”

_ “Say hi to Maz for me,”  _ she replies.  _ “Be safe.” _

“Will do,” and the line goes dead. “Ma says hi.”

Maz nods but she was too busy looking at the screen of her old computer. 

“How much for the two rooms?”

To this, Maz smiles. “I’m all booked up for the night so we just have the one.”

“Maz.” Ben groans. 

“It’s all up here in this computer.”

He bangs his head on the desk with his hand to cushion the blow.

“That’ll be twenty-five bucks for the night.” Maz says with a light chuckle. “Would you like room service?”

~

There was a knock on the door that made Rey stop towel-drying her hair. She opened it reluctantly, knowing Ben would be on the other side. 

“You should make your call,” he tells her in that quiet, restrained voice. “My battery’s taken a beating and I don’t know how long we’ll have a signal out here.”

“Alright.” As soon as he handed over the phone, he was closing the door. Rey held him off for a bit. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” 

Rey stood there awkwardly for a bit, thinking up a reason why Ben wouldn’t be okay. “I don’t know,” she murmurs sheepishly. “Nothing. Never mind me.” 

“Are  _ you _ okay?” 

There was a split second that made her want to lie and just brush it over. There wasn’t anything wrong. Nothing should be wrong. But Rey couldn’t shrug off this feeling; this unbearable weight in her chest, and the cold.

Why was she cold?

“I’m okay,” she finally says. 

“Okay.”

Neither of them moved. For a while, they were content just standing opposite each other like that, with Ben out the door and Rey inside the room. 

Ben cleared his throat. “We’re actually sharing a room. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, not at all,” she automatically replies. “Um...do you think Maz has any soup?”

“Sure,” he says. “Are you cold?” His hand raises to her head level, almost as if to touch her, but then he pauses and takes it back. “Do you feel feverish? You should really take off those wet clothes.”

Rey looked up at him and he looked back at her. Ben bit at the inside of his cheek.

“I’ll look, uh—I mean, I’ll ask Maz if she has any clothes she can—okay.”

And at the last minute, Rey somewhat slipped too. “You should take off your clothes too.” 

“Okay.” And then he closes the door. 

~

Ben wasn’t sure he heard that right, but he wasn’t going to ask. It’ll make him sound like a pervert. Besides, it was the least likely thing she’ll ever say to him. Just a few days ago, she hated his guts. 

This couldn’t be right.

He didn’t want to ponder too much on it and decided to go to Maz for a change of clothes. He sneezed twice before he got to her and by that time, she was already handing him a large shirt and a smaller one, both from the diner’s existing uniform.

“Don’t use up all the hot water,” she tells him. “And you two can come down for dinner as soon as you’ve changed.”

“Oh, do you have any soup?”

Maz raised her brows at him as if he was asking if it was still pouring out. (It was).

“Thanks, Maz.”

“There are two pairs of drawstring pants in the closet. There’s also a robe in there. Be creative.”

He didn’t know what to make of that and decided to ignore it. “I’ll try not to dwell on it,” he decided and left for the room. 

He knocked twice but Rey wasn’t responding. The muffled sound of running water could be heard from the other side. The door was unlocked so he took that as a sign he could come in. 

With his foot already past the threshold, and being the big man that he is, he really couldn’t take it back even though he could see her in the middle of the room—stripped down but not (yet) naked. 

_ What was she wearing before? _ He wondered, trying to picture her in her clothes. But all he could see now is her, in that black underwear with the yellow lining. She looked like a bee…

_ Am I the flower in this scenario? _ His stupid brain questioned. 

He didn’t mean to take such a deep breath but he did, making Rey finally notice him. “I’m sorry,” he quickly says. “I thought you were in the shower.”

But then he looked into her eyes and saw something else. Her hands shook, one gripping something tightly within her closed fist. It wasn’t as if she caught him doing something, but the other way around.

“Rey?”

Reality seemed to have hit her and she gasped, her hand dropping the item on the floor. It was a blade. Ben knew all too well what she was doing. Or what she was about to do. He inspected her quickly but thoroughly, looking at the more obvious spaces to see if she’d done it. His arms were around her immediately. 

“It’s okay,” he tells her quietly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!” And it came out like a strangled sob that it broke his heart. “I shouldn’t be here.”

For a moment of pure selfishness, he thought she meant she shouldn’t be here with him. But as she shook in his arms, he knew that it wasn’t the sound of guilt. Or rather, it was but for a whole different reason. 

“Breathe.” He sits her down and cups her face to make her look at him. “Breathe for me, Rey, come on. In and out.” He went on like that a few more times till he got through to her.

“You got this,” he whispers to her. “In and out.”

Her breathing settled but the tears kept streaming down. She was in full shock. Ben wished he knew how to help her better. 

“Have you...have you talked to Poe?” He asks but as soon as he did, her lips started quivering again. “Okay, okay. No Poe talk. Got it. It’s okay. You can trust me.”

She took a deep breath at that and held onto his hand very tightly. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m being stupid.”

_ No, you’re not _ , he wanted to say but she was already blubbering.

“It’s probably just hormones or something.” But even as she said it, she looked like she wanted to hit herself. “I’m a terrible person.”

“You’re not,” he said as firmly and as quickly as he believed it. “You’re not.”

“How would you know?” The fire in her eyes sparked just a little and he could feel that spunk again like he did that first day. “All I do is lie and cheat.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

Rey scoffs. “You hated me.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did!” And she laughed, but it wasn’t at all lighthearted. It sounded so unnatural like nails on a chalkboard. “You looked at me like I was garbage.”

Ben sighed at the memory. He was on edge when they came home, and he could admit that he was being unreasonable when they first met. But there was never a time that he saw her or looked at her like she was trash. It was humanly impossible.

“Don’t feel bad. You had every right to.” She wasn’t looking at him anymore and Ben knew that any argument he’ll try to make with her would be for naught. When you dive into a black hole, it’s hard to resurface. Rey was in that dark pit now. 

Ben felt ill-equipped to convince her otherwise. What did he know of her? She’s Poe’s girlfriend. She’s in college. She works to study. She’s funny and endearing, and she never backs down from a fight. She’s hardheaded and impulsive, but she’s also patient and warm. No one can tell her no, especially if she’s hungry. She’s a good listener. And much like him, she has her demons. 

_ Irma _ . That was the name of the girl she was screaming for, wasn’t it?

He didn’t want to pry. He didn’t want to open up Pandora’s box, not when he’s not sure how to even close it. But this seemed like the only way to get her talking; to make more sense. If he could figure that out, at least just one part, maybe he could help her get out of the pit. 

“Rey, what happened with Irma?”   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really encouraged to write more after seeing your responses. I wanted to make this chapter longer but I think that ending it here will be fine and would leave room for an opening of the next chapter. I know what happened here was subtle but I wrote what the story called for and I've always pictured a darker side to Rey for this AU so we'll be able to explore more of that now. I really hope that whoever reads this doesn't find it too offensive or triggering (I'm dragging this too much) but breakdowns, as I've experienced them myself, can really come out when you least expect them. I guess that's what I've tried to portrayed best in this scenario. Thank you for reading this incredibly long message.


	7. Lady, running down to the riptide...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This too shall pass.

“Ben just called,” Leia tells Poe. “The two seem to have some car troubles. They’re in a diner right now, but I don’t think they can make it to the feast.”

“That’s going to be a problem,” he says, mostly to himself. “Finn isn’t going to like that one bit.”

“Oh, big whoop,” Leia huffs. “Your brother is harmless! With women, if I’m not making myself clear. Rey’s going to be fine.”

“That’s not what I was thinking about _ at all _,” Poe explained, suddenly getting a mental image of something he didn’t want in his head in the first place. “I don’t want you getting involved with it, and it really isn’t my business anyway. But let me just say that Finn’s worried for a reason, Ma.”

“They’re not going to explode, if that’s what you’re saying,” she reassures him. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

~

Rey sobbed uncontrollably. Just the sound of Irma’s name pulled her back to the crashing waves and that terrible day. 

She wasn’t even supposed to be with her that afternoon, but Irma’s piano teacher couldn’t make it because of the flu. Rey decided to take her because she looked so lonely at home and Mason didn’t mind. The beach always seemed like a good idea anyway. Irma had bugged her for weeks to bring her there, but Rey always felt that she shouldn’t—in case the Bartons disapproved. She didn’t want to disappoint them. So far, the Bartons were the nicest family she’s ever been placed with. 

But Mason was getting handsy with her that time and she tried to pull away, getting sand in her eyes. He laughed and so did she. She relaxed a bit then, feeling stupid for panicking now that a boy wanted to touch her. But then she glanced at the shoreline and the kid wasn’t there. 

If you’d ever felt your whole world crumble while simultaneously having a heart attack, multiply that by ten and that’s how Rey felt when she couldn’t see her. They were the only people on the beach so it was hardly possible not to see her quickly when they should. 

Her throat got sore screaming for her. Soon after Mason pulled her out, the Bartons were there. 

“What did you do?” They asked her. “What did _ you _ do?”

Mrs. Barton was hysterical and slapped her across the face when she didn’t respond after the fifth time they’ve asked. 

“You don’t deserve a family,” she remembered her saying. 

_ You don’t deserve a family if you can’t look after it. _

The words, though said in anger, chained her to the ground. It scared her, how true it was. There must’ve been a reason she was left behind; why she was orphaned. When Mrs. Barton said that to her, it all made sense. 

She’s never used more than she had that day. There’s even an itch now just from thinking about it. 

_ Where’s my stash when you need them? _

“Rey.”

“It was my fault,” she says now, pulling at her hand to keep it from shaking. 

Ben’s face was so close and she wondered for a moment how it would feel to get lost in his eyes. Could he take her away for a little while? But the fear of letting anyone in...it haunted her. Even with Finn all those years ago, it took a while till she could let herself be comfortable with his existence in her life. 

“It’s not your fault,” he murmurs. “You were a kid.”

“I was sixteen,” she countered, pulling away. “I was old enough.”

“You were a _ kid _, Rey,” he said, adamant. “You were still a kid.”

“And I made terrible choices. I _ keep _ making these horrible choices that hurt other people. I ruin things because I can—because that’s who I am. I destroy, and I lie and I cheat.” Her voice shook as she said it, thinking about Poe and the deal...about Ben, being kind, and Leia being so welcoming. “I hurt people. And I’m always going to disappoint you no matter how hard I try.”

“You have to try harder then,” and when Rey looked into his eyes again, she could tell how much he meant it. That made things worse. 

Ben smiles at her and she wished she could sink into those lips now. For a moment, she wanted to forget how messed up this is—how messed up _ she _ is. 

Rey sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop it,” but he said it gently. “Don’t be sorry. I understand.”

She pursed her lips, wiping away at her stray tears, and they ended up just staring at each other a little while longer. Sometimes, that’s all you needed, Rey thought. Just to be there for someone. To sit there and wait out the storm...to not be alone.

“I should really get changed,” she whispers. 

“Right,” and Ben stands up. “Do you mind if I use the bathroom first?”

“Sure,” she replies and watches him stoop down to pick up the blade she discarded earlier, feeling herself blush at the memory of her most recent breakdown. “Ben?”

“Don’t worry,” he says. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“Thank you.”

~

As he pocketed the blade and closed the door safely behind him, Ben checked the cabinets and the corners for anything sharp. 

When he was sure it was safe, he turned to wash his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. The reflection that stared back at him had eyes so dark and deep it was impossible to know what secrets they held. But of course, they were _ his _ and every fear he had was evident on the surface.

Hearing her talk about her demons made him remember his own. It has been a long time since it happened and he’s had less sessions with his therapist in the last three years. But Ben could be honest with himself now and say that seeing her the way she was earlier...he finally understood how his mother felt when she found him that day. 

He washed his face, clearing his head, and got out of the room. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Ben asked.

Rey had the robe on, huddled on the edge of the bed where he left her. She nodded at him and stood, making her way to the bathroom. 

He could help but worry. “Do you need company?”

“In the bathroom?”

“Not like that,” he reassures her. “Just so I’d know you won’t...you know…” and he trails off.

Rey gave him a sad smile. “It’s a shower, Ben. I don’t think you can drown in a shower.”

“Right.” This was suddenly all too embarrassing for him. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

“Thanks, Ben,” and she seemed to mean it. 

“I’ll see you down at the diner?”

“Okay.” She shuts the door after her and the sound of running water resumes on the other side. 

Ben decided to change his shirt, folding his damp one and putting it on the bottom of the closet. He hesitantly left the room and came down to the diner, ready for a warm supper. 

Maz was busy in the kitchen—or so he could hear something sizzling in the grill followed by a ruckus of a pan falling. 

“I give up!” Maz yells, making Ben laugh a bit.

He slides in the booth closest to the entrance, watching the rain fall heavy from dark skies. There was an irrepressible calm that always seems to overcome him during such weather, and the sixties music playing smoothly through the overhead speaker definitely adds to the feeling of being in another world. 

If he closed his eyes, he would be seven again and in Leia’s arms, cradled till the thunders pass and waves settle. 

Ben sighed. At least the good memories he had before the accident were unsullied. 

“Hey.” 

He looked up to find her in a matching purple shirt with _ Maz’s _ written in small snazzy print on the left chest. Her shoulder-length hair still looked damp but was sexily tousled, her cheeks slightly pink from the hot shower. 

“Suits you,” he says, pointing at the shirt.

Rey smiles. “You too.”

She slides in the seat opposite him and looks out the window.

He wanted to ask how she was doing, but he knew more than anyone that sometimes not saying anything was enough. He could see it, for now at least, that she was hanging in there. Her eyes still held that spark and that childish glee about her; watching the rain collide with the wind and the lightning streaks across the sky while the sea bellows. 

“Poe texted you, by the way,” she suddenly says, sliding his phone across the table. He didn’t even realize she was already looking at him. The blush in her cheeks deepens and she looks away. “I didn’t mean to pry. It just popped up and I kinda read it.”

“Have you talked to him yet?”

“I texted him.” Rey didn’t say anything more on the matter.

Ben decided to take a peak at what Poe said but the message box had been cleared. “What’d he say?” He was almost afraid to ask. 

To this, she tries to hide a smile. “He said that you should bring me back in one piece.”

“Ah,” and he smiles now too. Instead of responding to her, he decided to text Poe back. 

When he looked up at her again, she was staring at him.

“What’d you say?” The laugh in her voice relieved him of any worry he'd had just a few minutes ago. 

“Nothing.”

“What? Let me see.”

He bit down at his lip to keep himself from grinning wider and maintained . “No, it’s my phone. I reserve the right to withhold my personal effect.”

“Personal effect?” Rey let out a snort. “What, are you a cop or something?”

They laughed at this, no matter how silly and small the matter was. It was nice to laugh at stupid things, they knew. Moments like these were hard to come by. 

“When you two are done goofing off, you can help me get your plates in the kitchen. I’m not serving you three courses just so you can sit there and watch me do all the work.”

Both of them were on their feet at once. 

“Why’d you make three courses?” Ben asked. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“You’re my only customers, and I have beef that’ll go bad if I don’t cook it tonight.”

Rey stifled another laugh. “Thanks, Maz.”

As they laid out all their plates, she waved them off. “Lock up when you’re done and just leave the plates in the sink. I’ll be in the motel office if you need me.”

“Should I turn off the sign for you, Maz?” Ben offers. 

“Way ahead of you,” she says and turns down a switch. “There’s ice cream in the fridge but use cups. Don’t let me catch you eating out of the tub.” Maz eyed Rey. 

She raised both hands. “I don’t even eat ice cream.”

“That’s just sad.”

Maz went off then, her back already turned that she couldn’t see Rey make a face. Ben pushes a fork in her direction. 

“Let’s eat.”

~

“Did you talk to Rey yet?” Finn asks in between bites of Leia’s homemade frittata. 

Poe hands him his phone. “She’s doing fine but she might not be home till tomorrow. Storm’s pretty bad over there.” 

Finn sighed but nodded. “How was your week so far? Do your folks know yet?”

“My mom knows,” he says, glancing at Leia talking with one of her old colleagues, Professor Holdo. “I think she’s taking it well.”

“How are _ you _ taking it?” 

Poe shrugged, putting a whole chunk of his roasted burger patty in his mouth. “I’m doing great. Don’t I look like I’m doing great?”

“You look like crap,” Finn tells him but there was a hint of a smile on his lips. 

He sighs, relieved. “How’s everything back home?”

“Rose’s sleeping on our couch, by the way. Did I tell you that?”

“What happened?”

“She got scared at home,” he says. “I think someone broke in, looking for cash.”

“Shit, is she hurt?” Poe demanded. 

“We reported it.” Finn touches his arm, soothing him. “She’s fine. But she’s a little spooked.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

To this, Finn looked incredulous. “I don’t know,” he shrugs, sounding more sarcastic than intended. “Maybe I thought you had too much on your plate already?”

Poe sighs, closing his eyes. “You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry.” When he opened them, all he could see was Finn, illuminated in the warm glow of the lanterns and the dying sun. 

He holds his hand then, thankful that he was here and safe and with him. 

“How about we go and take Rose to that archery place we tried last October? It really helps with the stress,” Poe suggested. 

“Kaydel and Jannah are doing their best having sleepovers...at our place,” he noted a bit shyly. “But we’ll definitely take her someplace nice when we get back.”

He smiles, huffing a bit. “Subtle.”

“They’re watching the place,” Finn said in their defense. 

“And eating out of the fridge,” Poe added. “Which we stocked up before I left.”

“Well, it’s a compromise,” Finn counters. “How about this? I’ll buy the groceries when I get my paycheck next weekend. Does that sound good?”

He leaned in, grinning. “Only if you make me those cheese omelettes with the bell pepper.”

“For a minute, I really thought you were going to say something sexual,” and Finn laughed loudly, almost choking on his frittata. 

Poe hits his arm lightly. “Not in front of my ma, babe.” 

He glances at Leia and sees her and Professor Holdo watching them from their spot, sipping generously at their martinis. Poe blushed, but he couldn’t help but grin at the sand beneath his feet, content. His worries were so miniscule when Finn was with him that nothing else mattered.

Nothing else matters. 

~

“Okay, okay, okay,” Rey covered her eyes, thinking. “Favorite candy?”

“Nerds have got to be part of the list, right?”

“That’s one guess, Solo.”

“Okay, uh….” Ben tapped his fingers, staring outside. “Milk duds, and gobstoppers.”

Rey took her hands off her eyes and stared at him, slack jawed. “Oh my god!”

“What?”

“You got all of them!” She giggled. “Am I that predictable?”

Ben laughs. “Yes, actually, you are.”

“Okay, your turn.”

“Still on candy?”

“No, anything.” She pops in a chocolate-covered strawberry in her mouth, relishing in such sweetness. “What do you want me to know about you?”

_ Everything, but not everything _, he thought. He liked having her around. He liked knowing she was curious about him, that she would spend this time with him. But for over an hour now, he had the same recurring thought: he had to watch himself.

No matter how bad things got between him and Poe, he was still his brother. And this was his girl. He can’t (and shouldn’t) make anything out of this little day they’ve had. 

Ben clears his throat and pulls away. “Want to know how fast I can wash the dishes?”

~

She helped him bring it to the kitchen but settled nicely on top of the table to watch him wash the dishes with the sleeves up and a towel carelessly thrown over his shoulder. 

“I used to wash dishes in this Chinese restaurant downtown to pay for rent,” he suddenly says. “Mr. Chiu was very generous with me because I never leave anything out.”

“Didn’t Leia have a place in the city?”

There was a pause, but then he answered, “It’s the one Poe’s using, right?”

Rey didn’t get it till he put away the dishes they used for the first course. “Oh.”

“Poe was the first one to go to college anyway,” he remarked. “And it wasn’t like I wanted their help anyway.”

“College is always a step at taking responsibilities,” she added with no actual intent behind her words. “I think it’s humbling.”

Ben scoffs. “It sure is.”

Rey frowned at this, but she was too tired to even pick at his brain. She guessed that Ben had his moments, but then the magical hour would be up and he’d be back to being...well, Ben. 

Her moods were such a handful already, dealing with his would give her a whiplash. 

“I’m beat,” she says, jumping off of the table. “I’ll go on up if that’s fine by you.”

She sees him nod but doesn’t say anything else and she takes that as her cue to leave. After everything that happened tonight, she realized just how similar the two of them were. Ben was as elusive as she was. He was guarded. Over what, she couldn’t know. Rey sighs. Only a couple more days and this will be over. 

If anything though, she was thankful for today. Ben helped her more than he’d probably like to admit. And yet their time is up. They’ve extinguished enough of their ghosts for the night anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so overwhelmed with your responses! THANK YOU! Your feedback has more than encouraged me to keep writing and I'm really glad to hear that the previous chapter sat well with you. I was very determined to finish this by ten chapters but given the pacing of the events, I might extend (?). I'm still debating on that. Anyway, I just want to say thank you *again* especially for leaving kudos and helping this fic reach a few more hits. I really appreciate it!


	8. More Trouble Than He's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some storms have yet to pass.

Han arrived a little after dark. There were still a few guests but most of those Leia invited had gone home. 

Professor Holdo was speaking with Ms. D’Acy over the fireplace, both were holding half a glass of red wine. Leia was sitting with Poe and another boy, talking animatedly over that time in India. Old Ben, the recluse who lives next door, waves goodnight and heralds out his dog, Artoo, bumping into Han.

“Hi, Ben.”

“It was a lovely speech,” he muttered to himself, ignoring Han. “Leia has so much of her mother in her.” And the old man went off without much trouble, walking calmly back to his humble abode.

Han takes off his hat as he gets inside, nodding at the professor. 

“Amilyn.”

Professor Holdo smiles at him. “Nice to see you, Han.”

Leia turns to him now too and it seems as if all eyes were on him. “Have you eaten?”

Han shrugs, the movement too little, but Leia knew exactly what to do. She gets off the couch and leads him to the kitchen. 

“How was your trip?” She asks. 

He sighs, quiet. 

“What time do we pick up Luke tomorrow?”

“Luke’s coming tomorrow?”

This time, it was Leia who sighs. But then Han laughs. 

“I’m kidding,” he says. “A little before noon?” He suggested. 

“Sure.”

“Where’s Benjamin?”

Leia gives him a bowl of ramen with thick sauce made of pork stock and a pair of chopsticks. 

“He picked up Luke’s car, remember?”

“Where’s the girl?”

Leia shakes her head, exasperated. “ _ They _ picked up Luke’s car.”

“What?” Han looked genuinely confused. “I thought she was Poe’s girlfriend.”

“She is.”

“Then what’s she doing with Ben?”

“Han.”

“What?”

Leia gave him a look. “Just because a boy and a girl are together on their own doesn’t mean they’re  _ doing _ anything.”

“That’s not what happened when you and I were alone.”

She hits him with a kitchen towel. 

“Who’s the kid?”

“Who?”

Han cocked his head to the side. “The one sitting with Poe.”

“That’s Finn,” she replies. “You remember Finn, don’t you? He used to board with Poe a little over two years ago.”

“I didn’t know we were expecting more company, that’s all.” Han grumbles, sitting down at the bar and slurping at his ramen. 

“We weren’t,” she says sternly. “He’s here for the girl.”

He makes a face. “What is it with Rey and the boys?”

“Oh hush,” Leia tsks. “Finn’s her brother. He just came down to make sure she was okay.”

“He couldn’t call?”

“Han, that’s his sister. You can’t blame him for being worried.” Leia sighs heavily, glancing at the boy in the living room. “Not after what happened.”

“What  _ did _ happen?”

Exasperated, she hands him another dish and decides to change the topic instead. “You better wash those yourself when you’re done.”

~

The room was dark when Ben entered. The faint light from the streetlamp streamed through the blinds and casted a glow on Rey’s form, huddled on the left side of the bed. 

Ben stood there for another minute, deciding whether he should just ask Maz to give him another room or if he should just give in. He was tired. But it had nothing to do with the state of his physical being. 

Rey squirmed under the sheets, murmuring something he couldn’t understand.

Ben tries to ignore it and heads for the bathroom to clean up. He was only going to wash his face but decided to shower instead. The rush of the warm water was something he desperately needed to clear his head. It also wouldn’t hurt if Rey decided to occupy the entire bed. That would be a good enough excuse to find somewhere else to sleep. 

As soon as he got out though, she was sitting up but her head was bent down. 

“Ben?”

“Hey.” He kneels in front of her. “What’re you doing up?”

“Ben…”

She was still half-asleep, he realized. “Go back to sleep,” he says quietly. 

But then a tear falls on her lap and he sees that she’s actually crying. Her eyes were still shut and Ben wasn’t entirely sure she wasn’t dreaming. That was until she asked, “when will it stop hurting?”

Ben froze.

“When does this end?” She began to sob but he could feel her try to hold it in. her fists dug deep into her sides. 

_ That should hurt _ , he thought. He knew all too well how hard it was to repress something that was trying to tear you wide open. Ben didn’t know what else to do. She was having a bad dream. This was all just a bad dream.

“Nothing can hurt you here,” he whispers to her and slowly puts an arm around her as to not take her by surprise, but to which she responds by clinging on tightly without a moment’s hesitation.

_ Nothing can hurt you here. _

~

They were both silent as Ben drove. 

They left Maz’s a little after ten and have been driving for an hour with a perfectly working air condition system. Ben wondered if Maz fixed it or Rey, after he fell asleep last night. 

The quiet didn’t bother him at first, but when she cranked the window down to lean on it and he saw her reflection on the side mirror, it finally did. Reading minds have never been a power he wanted to possess. He was good at keeping to himself. But right now, just for a little bit, he desperately wished he had it. He liked to think that he was successful in convincing her that last night was a bad dream, one that would never happen again.

But who was he kidding?

Demons were called demons for a reason. They were hard to expose and even harder to exorcise. They’ve been carrying theirs for years, and it was no one’s business but their own. He knew better than to come bothering her with his faux holy water, willing her to pray when their false gods have already failed them a long time ago. 

It still drove him crazy; how much he cared. He’d known her in less than a week. And yet...he’s letting her get so close. Even though he knew he was a flame that could eat her alive, it was almost a game. To dare her to touch him they way no one has before. 

Ben sighs. Rey turns to him. 

“Just a bit more,” he says, more to himself. 

She nods at this as if she understood what he really meant. Maybe she does. 

“Can you not tell Poe what happened?” She asks. “I don’t want him to worry.”

“I told you,” he reassured her, staring ahead with blank eyes. “Last night was just a bad dream. It’s forgotten.”

“It should be,” she insisted quietly. 

Rey resumed her position, looking out into the world with her back on him. He had to get used to that. It won’t be long till that’s the last memory he’ll have of her. Ben wished it didn’t hurt just thinking about it. He tried to reason with himself, but then again, the best and worst things in life never were rational. 

He sighs again. This time, instead of looking at him, Rey sighs too. 

~

The moment they arrived, Rey knew something was wrong.

For one thing, Kaydel’s car was parked down the street. There wouldn’t be a reason for Kaydel to visit them, not one she could think of at the moment anyway. And then Poe and Finn just burst outside of the house, talking very loudly that their voices echoed. Finn was half-dressed, buttoning up a white shirt she’d never seen him wear before. 

Ben was out of the car in no time, Rey following him immediately.

“What’s going on?” He asks no one in particular, but Rey hurried over to hear what it was about. 

When she was close enough, this is the first word that she catches from Finn’s mouth. 

“—fag!” 

Rey gasps and stops in her tracks, making the two men turn in her direction.

Finn was definitely outraged but as soon as he sees her, Rey finds him relieved as if he’s been holding his breath this whole time. 

“I told you they’d be back around noon,” Poe tells him, rather forcefully and shoots Ben a look. 

“Where have you been?” Finn demanded now, a bit accusatory, and casting a glance at the big man by her side. “You don’t think to text me when you’ve had an episode? You haven’t even answered my calls.”

“I thought Poe filled you in,” she admits. “You didn’t need to hear it from me.”

“Yes, I did.”

Rey sighs. She knows she made him worry but to say that he’s fussing over nothing would be insensitive. He’s driven all this way after all. “I’m sorry,” she relents. “I know that was irresponsible of me.”

It was a quiet sound but Ben scoffs at this, making Rey look at him. Finn catches it too and frowns at him. 

“Finn, I’m fine,” she says, trying to placate him. “I can handle myself.”

Her brother purses his lips but doesn’t say anything to her. Instead, he speaks to Ben. “Did you have to take her with you yesterday?”

“That’s really none of your business,” Ben replies, calm but stern. 

This wasn’t going well. 

“It is my business,” Finn insisted. “That’s  _ my _ sister.”

“And that’s my brother,” Ben retorts. “I don’t know what you two are even fighting about—”

“Ben—” Poe tried but he was easily overshadowed.

“—but you don’t talk to Poe that way, do you understand?”

Finn doesn’t reply and Poe didn’t give him a chance to. 

“Enough!” He said. “That’s not—he didn’t—” and then he sighed, tired. “Ben, go inside. Your mom and dad are at it again.”

You can see it in Ben’s change of demeanor that whenever Poe says ‘ _ your mom and dad’  _ that it’s not a good thing. It was as if Poe detaches himself from the family or even disowns them; like he was a referee and not a part of the team. 

“What is it this time?” He asks, the subtle hint of a quiet rage building underneath the surface.

Poe avoids his gaze and stares at the sand. “Luke’s home.”

Rey knew what that meant. To all of them. She only knew of Luke but hadn't actually had the pleasure to meet him. Poe told her that he was the kind of man you’d like to hear about, but would never really like to meet. In his experience, Luke was more likely to be a myth than a real person. 

He was a war veteran, and a good one at that. Poe had shown her his ‘wall of accomplishment’ the other night. Luke was actually the reason Poe had signed up for the army. That, and because Leia encouraged it. 

But some scars were hard to heal. After coming home from the war, Luke was a changed man (or so Poe was told). He wasn’t a boy anymore. But he was only half the man when he came back. There were nights that he would just wander in the living room, Poe said. It would scare him before. 

And then he started using. This wasn’t something Poe ever talked about but he disclosed it with her when Finn caught her two years ago. It was the last time she ever fell off the wagon. But the story went like this: Luke wanted to forget. He began to do a few trips out of town, came back drunk or high (or both), and the cycle went on and on till it got worse. Poe never said how bad it got, or what it was that finally made Luke check into rehab or some mystical church that they all believe to be some sort of cult, but Rey could bet her life on it that it has something to do with Ben.

She knew because the moment Poe said that Luke was here, Ben put on this mask she’d only seen the first night they met. He’d built up a wall around him, yes, but this was different. It was as if Ben was gone and someone else stepped onto the stage. 

“I’ll deal with it,” he suddenly says.

Poe sighs. “Ben.” But he was already past them and marching towards the house. “Ben!”

~

He knew he was coming. 

Of course, he knew. Han never allowed their uncle in the house without telling them first. But to see chaos around the house was a definite signifier. Luke was here. 

Ben trudged through the sands and kicked his shoes off on the porch, barging inside the house like a mad man. He sees his uncle, sipping iced tea on the big chair by the fire, and hears the argument his parents were having overhead. 

“Nephew.” It was the most Luke could say at the moment, his mouth chewing on the pink plastic twirly straw that came with the drink. 

He narrowed his eyes at him. Ben was determined not to be bothered by his uncle. He made a promise to Leia not to do anything rash. But the man hasn’t been here for a day and already he’s making people fight. 

“Uncle,” he says quietly through gritted teeth.

He turns to go up the stairs but Luke tsks.

“Best not disturb your parents,” he notes. “They’ve been at it since we got here.”

“I wonder why,” Ben replied dryly and went up anyway. 

Han was sitting on the stool but Leia was standing up with her hands on her hips. Both of them looked exhausted and yet there was an undeniable heat between them, one that said neither would back down. 

“Ben, go downstairs.” Leia didn’t sound angry, but he could see it in her eyes.

He shook his head. “You promised, ma.”

“Ben.”

Han stood up. “Let me and your mother talk about this. Why don’t you go on down and go out with Poe and his friends?”

Leia didn’t look at him but he knew that she would have the last word on this matter whatever happens. Ben leaves the room and walks past Luke, pushing through the screen door with such force it nearly breaks.

“Always with your temper!” Luke shouts from inside.

It was easy to ignore. His uncle had given him an earful over the years about how to be a man. Ben would let it pass for now. He could see Rey was still talking with Finn at the end of the drive, nearer to the car he must’ve driven in. 

Poe was on him immediately. “You okay?”

He didn’t expect that. “Yes,” he says, but he was definitely not. “I need a drink.”

“You haven’t had alcohol in a year.”

“I’ve had wine,” he retorts as if that was the same thing. “I’ll be fine.”

Poe considered this and shrugged. “Might as well,” he decided. “After the morning we’ve had, not to mention your uncle calling me a—” he stopped then as Ben’s eyes widened.

“Shit,” Poe cursed. “Ben, no—” but it was too late.

Ben was already running back towards the house.

“Ben!”

~

The first she heard was the hard slam of the door. She was still speaking with Finn, about the day they’ve had. Her eyes kept glancing at them, watching as they too were having an earnest conversation. But then it was over quickly, and the next thing she hears is Finn telling her of their crazy morning. 

“...pants on, and he was standing in the hallway looking at us. He started to laugh and very loudly called Poe and me fags. Can you believe that shit?”

“Shit,” Rey muttered. 

“Rey?”

“I’m so sorry, Finn,” and she found herself already darting across the sands to get to the house. 

Poe was on the threshold, looking lost. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he kept muttering. “Leia!”

When Rey saw what he did, she swore under her breath too. Ben had a man nearly a foot off the floor, hanging by his shirt, and his face already beaten at least twice. He looked deranged, Ben, filled with such raw strength and anger. She recognized him still, but what she recognized more was the rage. She felt it herself in one instance in her life (if not many) but she had never acted on it. If she ever did, she would bet that she’d look a lot like he did now. 

“You piece of shit,” she heard him say. “No one, especially  _ you, _ should ever talk to my brother that way. Not to anyone!”

“Ben!” Leia was suddenly at the foot of the stairs.

Han whizzed past her and held off Ben, making him let go of who Rey could only assume was Luke. “Enough,” Han says rather calmly. “Enough, son.”

Ben shrugged him off but kept his distance from his uncle. 

“Stop it!” Leia warns him. 

Luke, however, felt the need to speak up. “I didn’t start anything!” And there was this laugh in his voice that couldn’t have been more insulting. “Your son and his crazy temper—you have to admit he’d always been a bad egg.”

“A bad egg?” Ben laughed too but there was no humor in his voice either. “What century are we living in?”

“This family had suffered a great loss because of you!” Luke roared. “You're more trouble than your worth!” 

If Ben was taken aback, he didn't show. What happened next was something none of them expected; in a flash, Luke was unconscious, and Han retracted his fist from his brother-in-law's jaw. He shrugs, then.

"That ought to do it."

“Han!” Leia scolds him, but even Rey could tell she was somehow relieved it was over for a bit. 

“He’s drunk. Or high," Han said in defense. Thinking better of it, he adds, "I _hope_.” He sets down Luke to the couch then, and looks at Leia. “Nothing good can come out of his mouth now.”

The old woman shakes her head at him, narrowing her eyes. "It was a tad too much, don't you think?"

To this, Ben scoffs. “Just admit it, Dad,” he says dryly. “Mom coddles him too much.”

“Ben.” Poe groans, stepping in. 

“What?” He demanded, looking like he’s on the verge of setting off again. “Aren't you at least a bit upset—"

"Of course, I am!" Poe blurted out. But he calms down and shakes his head at him. “But Ma’s had enough, don’t you think?” 

“Just leave it,” Han mutters, to whom none of them are sure. “Go. All of you,” he commands. “Your mother and I will deal with this.  _ Go _ .”

Poe reaches out to Ben but he only walks past him and Rey without even a second glance. When Poe turned around, he was surprised to find her standing there and behind her—

Rey sees she was inches away from Finn, looking embarrassed as if he wasn’t supposed to be there. The same feeling overcame her and she suddenly couldn't look at Poe in the eyes. Both she and Finn just witnessed something they shouldn’t have. This was a private family matter and they weren’t part of this family. Or any other family. They shouldn't be here. 

“We should go,” she mouths at Finn. 

They started to make their way down the short steps and they could feel Poe trailing after them. After a second, Finn sighs and looks at her. 

“I really need to go,” he tells her quietly. “But I can’t leave him...not like this.”

“I’ll give you two a minute,” she whispers and jogs ahead.

Just then, she looks up and finds Ben walking to the truck. In a split second, she was breaking into a run to catch up to him.

“You okay?” Rey asks, her voice reaching him before she does. 

“I just need to get out of here,” he replies, not looking at her.

She couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed, being dismissed, and yet she understood. After everything that’s happened, he needed some space to clear his head. 

But then, he suddenly asks, “Join me?” and Rey’s head, which she didn’t even realize was bent down, snaps up to find his earnest eyes waiting for her response.

She doesn’t hesitate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic just had a THOUSAND hits! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Your comments are a delight to read and they've really inspired me to keep working on this story. I hope you guys are safe and healthy and that you're comfortable inside your homes as we face this quarantine together. If you have the time, please share your love and pay your respects to a fellow Reylo who have recently passed. Her name was Hal and she was an amazing artist. Her twitter handle is haloren1st. I wish I met her earlier because her works are beautiful and she was no doubt a sweet and brilliant young woman. Again, thank you and keep safe! 
> 
> Much love from a galaxy far, far away,  
Azha x


	9. caught in the middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened the morning of, the night before, and everything in between. Two brothers reconciling. A kiss shared. And a past unearthed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm dropping my Reylo playlist once again to anyone interested. It's on Spotify (Reylo Tunes), featuring a lot of MissThis, Ruelle, and Jaymes Young. Funny I didn't put Riptide by Vance Joy yet as the song inspired this fic. We're close to the end! Only one more chapter an epilogue to go!

**The morning of...**

Poe could feel the warm touch of the sun’s rays on his face but he wouldn’t dare open his eyes. He had such a nice night and an even nicer dream. What was better than both was the fact that Finn was sleeping right next to him.

He had missed him over the last couple of days. The charade alone was making him crazy, imagining if Finn was the one he had over to meet his parents instead of a fake girlfriend. He knew it was all sorts of wrong, but at the time, he couldn’t think about it. Not really. The moment (and his desperation) called for it. He knew that if things were to make a turn for the worst (which usually does when two of his worst family members were in the same room together) it wouldn’t surprise him if a bomb exploded in the house and they were suddenly all speaking different languages. 

Poe didn’t like the idea of subjecting Finn to that kind of crazy. Not yet, at least. They’ve been together for almost three years (celebrating their third in a couple of weeks) and if Poe was being honest, he’s looking forward to weddings and marriage ceremonies more and more lately. Finn was a nice guy and they seemed like the right fit. (He’s not even going to mention how much they fit in bed).

But he also knew that Finn wasn’t ready yet. There were still layers that needed unpeeling and walls that he needed to climb. Also, he had to tell his parents first. Or just Han now. In fact, he has to tell his whole family he’s gay if he wants them in their wedding.

_ If I don’t then maybe that wouldn’t be a problem?  _ He wondered.

“What wouldn’t be a problem?” Finn suddenly asks.

When Poe’s eyes popped open, he was immediately blinded by a golden light. “What?”

“You were talking in your sleep.”

“Oh.”

Maybe he really shouldn’t worry about them first. He still needs to ask Finn after all. 

“What were you dreaming about?” He asks, smoothing out the tendrils off of Poe’s face with his index finger. 

“You,” Poe whispers before pulling him in for a kiss. “I missed you.”

“Me, too…” Finn says in between their exchanges of kisses. “I want to take you home right now if I could.”

Poe sighs as Finn mounts him. “It won’t be long now,” he promises. “Leia already knows. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Poe?” 

“Speaking of,” and he grins. Finn gets off and begins to put on his pants. 

“Yeah, ma?”

“Your dad and I are picking Luke up. We’ll be back in an hour.” She says, her voice muffled by the closed door. “Do you, boys, need anything?”

Finn snickers under his breath. “Condoms.”

Poe stifles a laugh and punches his shoulder. “We’re good!”

“Alright,” she replies, a bit knowingly. “We’re off.” Once her footsteps faded down the hall, Finn tackled Poe again and was on top of him in a flash. 

“Up for one more round, Mr. Dameron?” 

“Bring it on.”

They played Mario Kart for what seemed like ten hours dressed in nothing but their boxers. At one point, Finn made scrambled eggs and a ham sandwich. By the time Leia and Han were back from their trip, the two were nowhere close to decent. 

“Stop cheating!” Poe complains, laughing. 

“What, I thought you were the best driver in New York?”

He rolls his eyes. “That’s different when you’re not playing fair.”

“Well, nothing’s fair, Dameron. Get used to it,” and swoops in for a quick kiss, making Poe lose.

When Finn pulled away though, they were both frozen to their spot. And so was Han. He cleared his throat about three times with six second intervals before he got his bearings. 

“Your mother’s cooking lunch,” he says. “And your uncle’s here.”

“Okay,” Poe all but squeaks. “Thanks…”

Han nods and shuts the door behind him. Poe looks at Finn. 

“What just happened?” Finn asks.

“I think he knows now,” he whispers. 

It killed him, knowing that they would all sit together and not talk about it. Han had always been the quiet father figure in his life. He was kind and funny and generous. At times, Han would favor Ben over him because Leia was constantly paying attention to Poe. He served as a balance in their little household. And then when he went away, that balance fell a little more apart. But ever since he came back, it really was as if he never left. For once, however, Poe would’ve liked to have the chance to talk things through with Han. Not just about himself, but about everything; his relationship with Leia, with Ben, and with him. He wanted to know. No, he  _ needed  _ to know. 

Poe sighs, hurrying to get dressed. “I need to talk to him.”

“What will you say?” Finn asks, his worry materializing as a crease on his forehead. “I mean, do you even think  _ he _ has anything to say?”

“I won’t know till I do it, will I?” He points out. “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

To this, that worry on Finn’s face was replaced by a look of shock. “As what?”

“What else?”

“Now?’

Poe grins. “No time is better than now.”

“Are you sure?’

He moves towards him then, successfully zipping up his pants, and holds his hands. “I think it was really stupid for me to just drag Rey along and play pretend when I  _ know _ , in my heart, that there’s no one better to meet my parents than you. I have never been more sure or more proud of anything else in my life.” Poe searches Finn’s eyes and at the same time lets him look into his. “Will that be enough?”

Finn smiles, brightening up his entire face. “Always.”

Poe kisses him very gently on the lips and pulls away to throw him his pants. “Now, let’s get down so I could officially show you off to the family.”

“Wait.”

“What?” And as Poe turns, he is met once again with Finn’s luscious lips. 

“Now I’m ready,” he says, the smile on his face growing bigger by the second. 

“I’m not,” a voice suddenly says from the doorway. 

Both of them turn as if they were in a horror movie, but instead of a man with an axe, it was the infamous Luke eating cereal out of their light blue porcelain bowl. 

Something in his eyes glistened with mischief and there was a laugh in his voice as he said, “Come downstairs, you fags.” 

Neither of them were sure if they heard him right. In fact, they didn’t want to be sure. If they were, it only meant the absolute worst. But then, Luke says it again; the word hanging ever so lightly from his lips. 

“What a couple of fags,” he mutters to himself as he saunters down the hall. 

Poe felt like his soul left his body. The fear has settled in and the realization too: his uncle’s homophobic. 

“Did he just…?” Finn’s voice shook and Poe could feel his outrage emanate from his body. “Poe, what the fuck?” 

~

The bar was nearly crowded, but enough to feel squished in like sardines. After all, this was an island and there were hardly enough people to fill it like the New York pubs. 

There were some unfamiliar faces, too; ones that you know weren’t from around these parts. But that didn’t bother Ben so much as them looking in  _ her  _ direction. It was a small notion, but he knew she’d notice. He gently pulled her closer to him and they sat together by the bar, asking a man with a white mustache for two bottles of beer. 

Rey hesitated to take one.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to drink,” he reassures her. He didn’t even know why he invited her in the first place. Or maybe he did, he just didn’t want to deal with it yet. 

She only shrugs and takes the one closest to her. “I’ll be fine.”

He began to drink then, trying to blur out the image of his uncle in his head. He’d lost his temper more quickly than he had before. There was a time limit, you see. Unfortunately, he didn’t account Poe’s involvement before. Luke never came after him, only Ben. It was always Ben. He shook his head, failing to control himself. 

“It’s alright,” Rey tells him as she takes a sip. “If you feel like trashing the place…”

“I know,” he says, but he really doesn’t. “I really shouldn’t be the one who’s angry right now.”

“That’s true,” she agrees. “I can’t imagine what Poe must be feeling.”

“I just don’t understand why he would say something like that,” he adds. “And to Poe? It doesn’t make sense.”

_ He’s a favorite _ , he wanted to say but Ben knew it before it could come out of his mouth how childish it would sound—and jealous. But he was hardly jealous. Ben had found it hard to see his mother shower Poe with such affection, but his dad had been the perfect balance to that. Well, that was until Han stopped coming around. But even then, he tried not to be envious. He felt that jealousy was an emotion that was beneath the likes of him. 

He rarely gets jealous. 

If he was being honest, the only time he’s truly ever been jealous was...last night. Ben looks at her now, his brother’s girlfriend, and turns away. He downs his drink completely and orders three shots of tequila, downing them as quickly as possible. 

He must’ve turned away too far because when he glanced at Rey again, some guy had already built a fence between them. His plaid shirt with distasteful cuts on the sleeves blocked Ben from seeing her, but her brows pulled together gave him enough reason to stand up from his seat and pry the stranger away from her.

“Do you mind?” He demanded. “That’s—”

There was a split second when he didn’t know what it was he wanted to say exactly. 

_ That’s what? _ Ben asked himself.  _ That’s  _ my _ what? _

“That’s my sister.” He finishes unremarkably, “...in-law.”

Rey only made a face but didn’t protest.

“Oh,” the man says sheepishly. His cafe beard and hipster glasses looked ridiculous with that muscle tee, Ben noted. “So sorry, man. I didn’t see a ring.”

“Christ,” Rey mouths at him.

“Honest mistake,” he tells him a bit menacingly. “Why don’t you scurry off?”

The man raises his hands in mock defeat but goes away. 

“Sister?” She asked him as soon as the guy was out of earshot. “Really?”

“In-law,” he whined. “It’s a possibility anyway.”

Rey made a face again.

“What’s with that?”

“With what?”

“That look.”

“I don’t have a look.” But she did and she was trying to hide it by drinking more of that cheap beer. “Do you want to dance,  _ brother _ ?”

“What? No,” and this time, it was him who made a face. 

“Okay.” She sighs and continues to drink her beer, sadly nibbling on the nuts placed between them. 

Ben closed his eyes, debating with himself. 

_ No _ , he tells himself.  _ You are  _ not _ dancing with her. _

There were several reasons to consider: (1) he was embarrassed to dance, (2) it would be inappropriate to dance at a bar with your brother’s girlfriend, (3) he hasn’t practiced in a while, and (4) he really, really wanted to. 

Thankfully, Rey put her interest elsewhere. “Will you teach me how to throw that left hook?”

Outside, the sun was right on top of them, the air humid. The faint sound of music blasted from the bar. Cars were lined up alternatively, making a chipped formation like an incomplete row of teeth. Rey looked so little in front of him that completely missing her would’ve been plausible. 

Still, she stood firmly with her fists shielding her face. 

“Am I doing this right?” She asks.

Ben was about to respond, but then she swung at him and with a heavy hand too. It hit him square on the jaw, making him dizzy instantly. Rey gasps but he could tell that she was trying not to laugh. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I think you’re doing it right.”

“Grew up with six brothers,” she tells him a bit proudly. “For a time, at least.”

Ben massages his jaw and can’t help but grin. She didn’t need to be taught how to throw a punch, that’s for sure. Rey just lured him out for another reason. 

“What’re you up to?”

She feigns innocence. “I’m not up to anything.”

He could argue about that, and he wanted to, but then he passed out completely. 

~

He was heavier than she thought. 

Then again, he was several feet taller than her and his bones were like lead so carrying him felt like dragging a bear up a mountain. It was a good thing that they were right by Han’s truck and the keys were easy to find...she just had to finger them out of his front pockets.

Ben groaned as she pushed him in the front seat. Just then, his phone rang. Rey pulled out of his back pocket and answered. Poe’s voice was clear on the other end. 

_ “Where are you? _ ”

“Relax, bud,” she says. “It’s me.”

“ _ Rey. _ ”

“He’s already had his three shots and a beer. He’s down.” Poe had told her before about this little fact: Ben was a light drinker.  _ Really _ light. Rey got to see it for herself yet she can’t help but feel surprised. 

Poe sighs in relief. “ _ Did you drink? Are you okay? _ ”

“I had a sip, I’m fine,” she reassures him. “I’m okay, promise.”

“ _ Alright, so long as you’re good to drive,” he concludes. “We’ll be waiting for you at the house. _ ”

“Is Finn still there?”

“ _ He already left but I told him you’d call him as soon as you came in. Send a picture you’re still alive so I can forward it to him. _ ”

Rey laughs but obliges. “It’ll be nice to humor him a little,” she agrees. “Is he okay? Are you?”

“ _ It’ll be tough with Luke around _ ,” he admits. “ _ But they know now. _ ” 

“Han, too?”

“ _ Yeah, _ ” and there was a lightness in his voice that Rey found reassuring. “ _ I guess that just leaves Ben. _ ”

“I don’t think it’ll be an issue,” she notes. 

Poe laughs. “ _ Did you see how he reacted earlier? He found it so offensive to be homosexual. _ ”

“I think it has more to do with the ‘F’ word, Poe,” she counters. “He doesn’t know you’re gay, remember?”

“ _ Exactly, _ ” he says. “ _ And  _ he _ straight up beats the shit out of Luke as if— _ ”

“As if he’s protecting you,” Rey interjects. “It’s bad, what your uncle said, but I do think that Ben’s intentions are good. Or tried to be.”

Poe sighs again. “ _ I guess I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. Ben is hard to read. _ ”

“You got that right.” She huffs, remembering how he called her his  _ sister _ . She huffs again as if this feeling would get out of her system. It felt ridiculous, no matter the context. 

“ _ Are you sure you’re holding up okay? _ ” Poe asks.

“Why, am I giving you a reason to think otherwise?”

“ _ No, _ ” he replies, a bit offended. “ _ Just...earlier, when you got in, you seemed— _ ”

Rey sighs. “For the hundredth time, Poe, I’m fine. You’re sounding a lot like Finn. It’s annoying.”

“ _ Alright, alright, _ ” he says, dismissively. “ _ We’re just worried. _ ”

“I know you are.” And she did. “I just wish you’d give me a bit of credit is all.”

Poe doesn’t say anything else but Rey could feel him consider it. 

“We’ll be back in a few,” she promises. “I just need to stop by somewhere, okay?”

“ _ Okay, _ ” he says without hesitation. “ _ Be safe. _ ”

“Thanks, Poe.” And she hangs up. 

When she turns to return Ben’s phone right where she found it, he was up. He didn’t look so sober but he didn’t look so drunk either. It was as if someone woke him just enough to sit up and look at her.

Rey leaned on the seat to see him more clearly. He was just looking at her, his eyes dark and deep and suddenly full of understanding.

“Ben?” She searches those eyes for an answer, wondering if he was dreaming. “Are you okay?”

“He’s gay?” 

_ Shit _ , Rey inwardly cusses. She closes her eyes briefly. This wasn’t how he was supposed to find out. She knew how big of a deal this was for Poe to tell him himself. Why did she speak so loudly?

“Ben, I _ — _ ” 

“You’re not together?”

Something in his voice pulls at her. “We’re—” Rey starts but the words disappear completely, dissolving into his lips as she pulls him to her. 

For a second, he didn’t respond. She guessed that he was too stunned or too drunk to move. What compelled her to kiss him, she couldn’t fathom either. But the moment he kissed her back, it overtook her like a force. Where she was aggressive, he was soft and tender. He was leaning on one hand while the other was gently gripping the back of her neck to keep her close to him. He started to overpower her too, almost carrying her into his lap till she realized she was moving herself, climbing onto him. They breathed in-sync, in ragged breaths and snatching each other’s hearts. 

Ben shuts the car door. 

“We shouldn’t,” she murmurs as he moves to the corners of her mouth. 

“We should,” he says instead. 

But then Ben pulls away and looks her in the eyes, searching.

“Unless you don’t want to,” he clarifies. “I’ll stop if you want me to.”

In truth, she wanted to resist it. How easy it was, to say she didn’t want to. He would pull away and they would forget it ever happened. Just like they did last night. But Rey couldn’t do it now. She didn’t know how it started or when but she was craving for his warmth and his lips. Who knows when she could have this again?

Rey shook her head. She was the first to kiss him after all. She should drop the pretense that this was wrong. She never really dated Poe anyway. Ben was unattached as far as she knows. This wasn’t wrong. 

“Don’t stop.” She pulls him to her again. 

But it felt wrong. Even when she kissed him and unbuttoned his shirt herself, there was an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach that bothered her so much. 

“The girl,” he suddenly whispers. “The girl I told you about…” 

Something clicks in her memory and she pushes it away, sinking deeper into him as if that could make it disappear. But it itches in the back of her mind, the thought scratching at the door like a dog that wanted to be let out. 

She breathes in and gasps for air. Rey craved something else now, as the scene overtakes her mind completely, and she hated herself for it. 

“Rey?”

He would be too drunk to remember this, she thought. She hoped.

“Are you ready to come home?” She asks. 

Ben looked disappointed but not surprised. He nodded then, tucking a loose tendril behind her ear. “Thank you,” he says.

“For what?”

He didn’t say and merely smiled, a small sad smile hanging on his lips. She dismounts him and sits on the driver seat firmly. 

“Do you trust me, Ben?” But she turns to find him already half-asleep. “Nothing can hurt you here,” she promises.

Rey starts the car and drives away. She stops by the pharmacy.

When they reached the house, Ben was sound asleep, snoring lightly. She pulls over at the curb, turns off the engine and curls up next to him, falling asleep instantly. Rey hoped that this time, when she wakes up, she’ll be in a more proper position than she was back in Maz’s motel.

**That night before...**

Rey woke up with her arms and leg slung over his body, the light streaming in from the window from a streetlamp instead of the sun. It was still dark out. She untangles herself slowly and moves over to her side of the bed, but as soon as she does, Ben moves too. His arm snakes around her waist, pulling her to him. 

She didn’t think he was awake then and she didn’t try to push him away. She liked being tucked in him like this. It made her feel safe. But then he murmured something in his sleep. Or maybe he wasn’t asleep at all. 

“What?” Rey asks, unsure.

“I met a girl,” he says sleepily. “It happened a long time ago.”

“What happened?”

“I met her and things just weren’t the same after.”

Rey was puzzled at this. 

“This is something I want you to know about me,” he explains. “You asked me earlier and I couldn’t stop thinking about it since then.”

She didn’t think he wanted her to know anything about him, let alone such a trivial thing as meeting a girl. “What happened to her?” She demanded, curious now. 

“I don’t know,” he replies. “I don’t even know if it was real.”

Rey knew the feeling. Looking back, some parts of her childhood felt like they happened to someone else instead of her. There were memories that didn’t feel like her own. Maybe she detached herself so much from it that she can’t distinguish which was real from the ones she made up anymore. 

“All I know is, there was this girl that I met but couldn’t see. There was a divide between us. And all I could hear was her voice.” He was so close, she could smell him. His chin was now in the crook of her neck and it tickled while he breathed. 

“What did she say?”

Ben sort of laughed, but it was the kind that made her sad. “She was crying like you,” he said. “But she was the one who told me that nothing can hurt me here.”

Rey pulls away for a minute to look at him. “Where were you?”

He took a moment to respond, confused at first. 

“Where were you when you met her?”

“I was in a house,” he finally says. “Up in an attic.”

She waited for him to continue. There was something here.

Ben sighs in resignation. “I was high,” he confesses. “This was around the time that Luke…” and he trails off, sitting up as if this could somehow make it better. “Did Poe tell you about that?”

“No,” Rey replies. “He mentioned that something happened before. Something bad.”

He nodded at this. “Luke was looking after me that summer. Poe had joined the army then and my parents were on a cruise for their anniversary. Of course, later on, we found out that they were actually on a hill somewhere doing couples therapy.”

“Luke was...Luke was using then, wasn’t he?” She asks. 

Ben nodded again. “I was seventeen, I think. I really didn’t have much of a social life so I usually stayed at home. Back then, I liked having him around. Luke was my only uncle, after all. And he was cool. He was a soldier that fought for his country. I looked up to him a lot. He used to teach how to fight and even reload a gun.”

There was a fondness there, of looking back to a time when everything was pure and untainted. It made Rey even sadder, knowing how much the infamous Uncle Luke was more or less a nuisance now. He was the weird and scary family member that they have to have around but can’t really stand. Or so Poe had implied.

“What happened?”

“I was sleeping,” and his shoulders shook as he said it as if the words themselves crawled out his mouth by force. “We spent the day shooting cans outside and I was tired. I remember how happy I was because I didn’t miss a single shot. Luke was drinking, but I didn’t mind that. He drank every morning and during dinner. But that day, I didn’t see him without a bottle in his hand. My room was still next to Poe’s then. There’s this lamp, you see, that Poe put in between our windows because I used to be so afraid of the dark when I was a kid. And he was my considerate older brother then. I was sleeping. Or I was half asleep.” Ben looks at her, his eyes showing how pained he was to remember, to be back  _ there _ . This was the thing that keeps him awake at night, she sees. 

This is the nightmare under the covers while he sleeps. 

“Do you know that feeling when you’re being watched? Like you know you’re being watched but you’re hoping anyway that you’re not, even though you’re so sure that when you look back or open your eyes, you’d see a monster there?”

Rey was the one who nodded this time. She knew all too well how that felt, and to see that monster materialize into someone she’s been living with. A shiver went down her spine but she held fast. She was here to listen. It was her turn to comfort him. But even then, she already knew where this story would go; what the bad thing was. The only question is how worse it got. 

“When I opened my eyes,” Ben continued. “He was standing there, over me, with a gun pointed at my head.”

There it is, the monster underneath his bed. And it was his family.

“I knew he wasn’t all there,” he said. “I knew. But I couldn’t believe it. This was real, and it was happening to me. My uncle was pointing a loaded gun at  _ me _ and I couldn’t understand why. I really thought I was going to die that night.”

Rey sat up and leaned on his back, wrapping her arms around him. He holds her too and this seems to comfort him. 

“It’s okay,” she tells him. “Whatever you did, you did to survive.”

To this, he shakes his head. Rey didn’t push him. The relief was there as his body rocked with low, rumbling sobs. It must’ve been the validation, she thought. Her life hasn’t been easy, carrying ghosts in her pocket.

Ben told her how he fought against Luke and knocked him out with a lamp. He ran off to New York, no money and no family. 

“And that’s where you met her?” She asks now. 

He nods. “There was a man who gave me a place to stay. He was sketchy and old but I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I couldn’t call my parents. I knew they would be angry with me...for what I did to Luke. I didn’t know about the house.”

“What house?”

“I didn’t know I burned down the house.” He was quiet again. After a deep breath, he said, “The lamp short-circuited or something, Poe told me. Luke got out in time. But that was how close I was to killing him.”

“That was an accident,” she remarks. “You didn’t mean for it to happen.”

Ben turns to her now, a softness growing in his features. “Just like with Irma.”

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not.” He holds her hands tightly, willing her to look at him. “It’s not that different, Rey. I actively set things in motion, but you’re right. It was an accident. I know that but I still feel guilty about it. You didn’t even do anything to Irma. Yours was just bad luck.”

“No, it wasn’t,” she counters, breaking free of him but not moving away. “I was irresponsible. That’s why it happened. That’s why I almost killed someone. Even if it was by accident. You...you were defending yourself, Ben. You can’t fault yourself for that.”

“But I can fault myself for what happened after,” he says quietly. “Everything that happened after is entirely on my shoulders.”

Rey was confused. “What happened with the girl, Ben?”

“That man who took me in?” He sighs, all the guilt and the shame coursing out of him like blood. “Turns out he was taking kids, fostering them for money. And he’d do things to keep them from starving.”

She listened carefully but she felt her soul leave her body, frightened.

“There were older kids, like me, who were just from the streets. He’d give us something and would make us run around the neighborhood, doing his errands. It was all sorts of different things. Sometimes, I would wind up in a place and wonder what I was doing there. But I always come back. I was there for a couple of weeks before my parents found me.” 

There were things she was certain he would never say out loud. The details were mostly what makes it real and what makes them come back to life. It was difficult to speak of the horrors you had to face alone, and not seem haunted by them still. Ben no longer shook but she could see it in the faraway look in his eyes that he was trapped there, in that place with that horrible man, every night.

“After some time, I was in therapy a lot. My therapist convinced me that the girl was a figment of my imagination...to keep me sane while I went through it. I didn’t want the drugs, not really. I saw what it did to Luke. Sometimes, I’m even sure it was the house itself that made me high as a fucking kite. But the marks would remind me what they did. Or what I did to myself.” 

He holds his arm as if it stinged him now. I never noticed how often he wore sweaters despite the warm weather. The only time he was ever dressed appropriately for the beach was back when they had that volleyball game, and even then she didn’t see them clearly.

“That girl saved me,” he says. “But she took a part of me and I’ve been trying to find it since.”

~

Ben woke up in the truck alone. It was getting dark and the orange sky set the waters on fire. 

There was a brief lapse in his memory, wondering how he got home, until her face flashes before his eyes. That smile. He could even hear her laugh. 

_ Where is she? _

He gets out of the truck and heads for the house. 

“Where have you been?” Poe calls from the roof.

Ben looks up. “Is she in yet?”

“Yeah,” and there was a calm to him he hasn’t seen in a long time. “She’s here.”

He was about to go in but Poe held him up.

“Mind if I talk to you first?”

They walked down the beach quietly. For a while, that’s all they did and Ben tried to be patient. His head was pounding a little but he could remember things right. Overhearing Rey’s conversation on the phone, the kiss…her lips. The last part was more vivid than the rest if he was being honest. 

“Rey told me,” Poe finally says. “That you know.”

“I do,” he admits. “Yup. I know.”

His brother doesn’t say anything to that and just nods. They keep walking.

Ben stops. “Does Mom and Dad know?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “Dad found out this morning.”

Ben copies his movement earlier and nods at that. “How are you doing?”

“I’m…” but Poe looks up at him and smiles. “I’m okay.”

“Good,” he says. And then opts for something better. “I’m sorry if I overstepped earlier. That’s not what I meant to do.”

“It’s fine,” Poe reassures him. “Well, it’s not absolutely fine but thank you. I appreciate it.”

“Has Luke given you more shit since lunch?”

“No,” but even Poe seemed surprised at this. “He’s quite sedated.”

Ben didn’t know what to make of that. 

“I need to talk to you about one more thing.” This time, Poe was very serious. Ben waited and he continued. “It’s Rey.”

“Ah.” And he didn’t say anything else. He didn’t know what he  _ could _ say. 

“You have to be very careful, Ben.”

Finally, he understood. He tried to disguise the hurt but what came out was something worse. “You’re saying I’m bad for her, aren’t you?” He demanded, bitter.

“No,” and Poe held his arm as if to comfort him. “No,” he says again, more reassuringly. “I love her—”

Ben flinched. 

“Like a sister,” Poe clarifies. “She’s been a good friend. And Finn...he loves her so much.”

“But she’s too good for me—”

“She’s troubled, Ben,” he finally says. “She’s like family to me, but  _ you _ are my family. And I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

He didn’t understand. Wasn’t  _ he _ the monster? He knows how much Rey blames herself for Irma, but it’s hardly enough reason for Poe to think the same. That couldn’t be it, could it? He was still far worse than her.

And then Poe comes out with it. “Rey has a history, Ben. Same as you.” He pauses, trying to be gentler with the issue. “ _ Exactly _ the same.”

A drug addiction, he means. That night, when she almost drowned herself, he realized that should’ve been a sign. But a bad dream could happen to anyone. Sleepwalking wasn’t out of the ordinary. No, that wasn’t it. Rey was suicidal.

_ Exactly the same as you _ , he thought. 

“That can’t be it,” Ben murmurs. “She’s too—she’s  _ so _ —”

“—good at hiding it?” Poe interjects. “I could say the same of you.”

He sighs. “Can I talk to her?”

“You can’t tell her I told you,” he instructs. “Promise me.”

Ben didn’t want to but Poe hasn’t asked him for anything else. He had no choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR 101 KUDOS! It took a while to finish this chapter because I wanted to cover of the story as possible. Thank you for reading and for leaving such encouraging comments. If there's one thing this quarantine has given me, it's time. And I thank you again for giving me yours in reading this little fic!


	10. taken away to the dark side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end to the tale is here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think she always nursed a small mad hope. - Vladimir Nabokov

Rose Tico had been living with Rey for as long as she'd been in the city. 

She met Finn first, by accident, and lived with the two of them for most of sophomore year. When Finn moved in with Poe, Rey got her name on the lease and they paid the rent together. For the last year however, she had to pay the rent for some months by herself. Rose only knew about her history one night, when she found Rey passed out in the hallway.

It had never been that bad. But after coming back from her “getaway week” with Poe, she believes this to be worse. 

Rey was hardly sleeping. She was working most days and most nights, taking only an hour’s nap if she could help it. 

“I can’t understand it,” Rose tells Finn over the phone. She made sure to keep her voice down so as not to wake her. “She earned a thousand bucks on that gig, didn’t she? Why is she working this hard?”

But then Finn sighed and Rose immediately knew something else happened. 

“Can you keep her there for another hour?” He asked. “I’ll come over.”

Rose peeks through the curtain she’s been hiding in but the door suddenly slams shut. She sighs. 

“She’s gone.”

~

“ROOM, Rey!” 

Rey scrubbed faster and pulled out the tray of the freshly dry mugs, handing them over to Kaydel. “Sorry about that,” she says but Kaydel only smiles a bit tightly.

“Don’t worry about it,” she murmurs but it did worry Rey.

For the next three hours, she tried to be the best dishwasher she always had been so they won’t _ run out of mugs _ untimely again. It seemed to work. It distracted her, too. At 2:30 p.m., she was back in her job at the admin office. She worked there from six to seven in the morning then she was off to the cafe between ten to twelve after her class. Her shifts at Subway were her free hours. Today, in the office, she felt organized and clean as if she was living another life; a fresh version of herself where she could pretend she was an ordinary working student, whose worst problem was her tuition fee and rent. 

Rey was in-charge of the photocopying machine mostly, and the other clerical jobs fell quickly behind. She was friends with half the faculty while the other half she didn’t mind as much. The dean was fairly familiar with her now and would greet her when she was in. 

“How was your holiday, Rey?” The dean asks. 

“It was great,” she replies with a kind smile. “Felt more like a retreat than a holiday,” she admits. 

“You’re not falling behind your studies, I hope.”

“Not at all, ma’am,” she reassures her. “I did my extra studies and some side projects before I went.”

“Good,” and the dean flashes her a side grin. “It would be a shame to lose someone like you.”

That was a compliment, Rey knew, but it was also a threatening reminder that one misstep could foil her future. Her distraction didn’t last long after that. By four p.m., she was out of the office and headed for the Subway shop. 

Finn was waiting by the entrance. 

“We need to talk,” he says. 

Rey sighs. “Of course we do,” she says. She didn’t mean to sound so displeased or snappy, but she was tired. The weariness in her bones shadowed her mind. There were too many thoughts, too many unnecessary noises already. She didn’t need anymore. 

“You need to rest.”

“I _ am _ resting.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Finn sounded so exasperated and she couldn’t deny how much bullshit she’s already fed him over the last couple of days since she’s been back. 

That didn’t stop her from snapping at him though. “What, you’re making Rose spy on me now?”

“She’s your _ friend _, Rey. She’s not spying. She’s concerned!” He pulls her to the back of the shop and sets her straight. “You haven’t been eating. You haven’t been sleeping. You work nonstop—” Finn groans to himself. “It’s like you’re actively trying to kill yourself.”

She didn’t want to see it but he quickly wipes away a stray tear. The guilt blooms in her stomach, weighing her down. 

“Don’t do this, please,” he begs. “I don’t know what he did to you but you’re better than this. You’re so strong, Rey.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” she murmurs now. Thinking better of it, she remains quiet then. She didn’t want to burden Finn anymore than she already has. 

“Rey.”

“I have to go to work.” She heads for the back entrance and leaves him behind. 

There was this sound that wouldn’t leave her; the crashing of the waves, of the waters hitting the shore, even the melody of the wind chimes hanging on the front porch. His laugh and his smile tainted her memory, bright like the sun in the darkness of her mind. 

It was surreal how beautiful it all was—even just for a little while. 

“Wanna learn how to surf?” He asked. 

Poe said before that Ben was the best surfer in the family. He was a natural teacher too, but Rey felt ridiculous the entire time and having Ben watch her only made it worse. She laughed the whole time; the salt water spraying on her face, the board rough against her feet. She fell (or maybe slipped) five more times, the strength of the water and the winds knocking her down each time she got up. 

At one point, Ben gave up. He stood there, firm and unswayed by the waves, covering his face. 

“This was harder than I thought,” he admitted. 

Poe only rolled in the sands, visibly laughing while he drank his homemade mai tai. By the time Rey successfully managed to stand (and to keep standing), Leia was calling them for dinner. 

“Rey.”

She turns, and slips, falling on her ass.

Jannah helps her up. “You okay, love?”

“Yeah,” she replies, embarrassed. There were scattered vegetables and the customer at the front didn’t appreciate the wait. “Sorry.”

“You clean this up, I’ll sort out this one,” Jannah tells her and quickly attends to the man who ordered the meat sub. 

Rey closed her eyes for a minute, shrugging away any remnant of her time at the Solo house, and went back to work. 

~

Poe knew that whatever the case, this was somehow his fault. 

However, he didn’t voice this particular concern to Finn. The boy already had too much on his plate, considering the circumstances. He will not let him worry about him, too. 

Jannah had called him twenty minutes ago, saying that Rey just fell flat on the ground.

“Dropped,” she said. “Like a penny.”

That was the last straw, he thought and decided to stage an intervention. He invited Kaydel, Rose, and Jannah. Finn was uneasy about the whole thing but he also knew that this was a step in the right direction. They could never force her into getting the help she needed, but maybe now she would be convinced. Maybe now she’ll listen. 

Rey was supposed to come home any minute now. Jannah was already here. If anything, she should be here by now. Or she went someplace else.

“Where is she?” Finn asks no one in particular, chewing at his bottom lip. Rose was keeping watch, looking out the window for any sign of her.

“I think we better call her,” Poe decided but as soon as he pulled his phone out, the door opened.

Rey glided in, her shoulders heavy and her feet dragging across the concrete. She looked up at them, barely registering the people in the room.

Finn was the first to break. “Hey.”

“Hey.” For a moment, they thought she was going to collapse. But then she shrugs it off and stands up straight. “Can I talk to Rose for a second?”

Rose follows her into her room. They were gone for a while, but when Rose reappeared, she wasn’t in any mood to talk more than Rey. She headed towards her own quarters and popped back out with a duffel bag. 

“What happened?” Poe asked, alarmed.

She turned to Jannah instead. “Mind if I crashed at your place?”

“I was looking for a new roommate anyway,” Jannah said, casting a glance at both Poe and Finn. “You talk to your friend. I’m taking Rose home.”

There was a defensiveness to her that neither dared to challenge. Poe didn’t like how Jannah made it clear that Rey was _ their _ friend alone now, but then again, the two have never really bonded so much. He hears Finn sigh and the girls leave.

“What now?” Poe asks him. 

“I guess we talk,” Finn replies. 

Rey’s door was closed but sooner or later she would have to face them. They decided to wait. 

~

_ You remember _.

He curled up against the sheets, reaching out further to hear her voice.

_ I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t mean to lie… _

Her laugh. It calmed him.

_ Well, _ and he could hear her smile in her voice if that was even possible. _ I _ did _ come here to lie but I didn’t think _—

Ben sighed and so did she.

_ You’re really something else, Ben Solo. Maybe one day, I can be some sort of something too. _

Six days ago, he believed for a fact that his foster brother brought home a girl to meet the family. This girl, for some reason, irked his very soul. It shook him and annoyed him, how much he cared for her to be real. It felt like his sole duty as a part of this family to find out whether or not she was, or what they were, not realizing that it mattered to him because _ she _ mattered to him. From the very first time he set his eyes on her, maybe even before then—when Leia told him that a girl was coming—he knew, deep down, that this wasn’t just _ a _ girl. She wouldn’t be in his path if she was. 

What worried him greatly was that she was Poe’s. Not in a way that he owned her but that he met her first. As soon as he saw her though, it was something more worrisome than that. There was something about her that triggered his inner consciousness, like a switch had been flipped but the wiring’s been fried and everything else was broken. It twitched and it flickered relentlessly. He couldn’t figure it out; why of all the girls Poe could be bringing home, it would be her. What was it about her that was so special? He knew she was. He just didn’t know why. 

The more he observed her, and the closer he got, it was like looking at a mirage of light. 

Ben knew that if anyone asked him how he would describe her, it would be exactly that; she was the epitome of light, of the sun. She was golden. How can one person hold so much meaning and not even play an existing role in his life?

His fascination with her only deepened. And when he finally learned that her connection to his brother was nothing but a facade, it was as if the heavens opened up and spared him. This was the reason she came: to exist in his world and no one else’s, to lord over him like he was a lamb that needs shepherding. 

But then it happened. Like always, the heavens closed down on him. Life got in the way. And the next thing he knew, she was being driven away. 

Ben would rewind that day over and over in his head. 

“You really can’t surf,” he said, teasing her. 

“I’m not entirely hopeless,” she replied, defensive, but her laugh was there.

He resisted the urge to kiss it out of the corner of her mouth. He’s been resisting a lot of things lately. 

Now he sits across from Nomi in her usual cleancut suit made of green satin. Her office has been newly refurbished and everything smelled like wax unable to be hidden by the slight hint of lemons. Of all their years together, Nomi never strayed from her tactics. She didn’t write any notes and didn’t look at him like he was a freak. She acted like a friend, or more like the grandmother he never met. 

“But you’ve had a breakthrough,” she remarks. “I can hear it in your voice now.” 

Ben didn’t know if they could call it that, but he would like to think so. 

“You resisted stealing your brother’s pretend girlfriend, that’s a notable trait. But it’s also one I never had to worry about you. I’m glad you formed a healthy friendship with this girl.”

To this, he chuckles a bit. “I guess you misheard me, Nomi. I kissed her. Or rather, she kissed me,” he says, recounting the event in his head. “Something happened.” 

He didn’t mention how he disliked the term friendship to describe what they had. Sure, maybe they were friends, but whatever they had felt deeper than that. It was a connection that couldn’t be defined in its entirety. 

“I don’t know,” he mumbles. “It’s not really something I should bother with now. She’s gone.”

“Oh, Ben.” Nomi sighs. “Always so melodramatic.” Her teasing smile was contagious. 

“It’s weird though, right?” He asks. “This girl, who I’ve never met before, randomly walks in—well, not randomly, she’s Poe’s friend—and then I spill...like a broken dam. I’m more willing to share things with her than I was with you and I’ve only just met her.”

“I’d try not to take that to heart,” she grumbles. “But to be honest, I don’t think it’s weird. It was bound to happen.”

“What?”

Nomi looks him in the eye and says, “Fate.”

Ben scoffs. “Really, Nomi?”

Fate had nothing to do with this. Fate was something you tell someone when you can’t really explain it enough yourself. Actually, now that he thought about this, fate really was the answer Nomi would tell him. 

“For you to be suspicious is natural. To be curious is second nature. But to have an openness and instant connection...that’s destiny, dear. They’re just not always in the same form. For others, it’s their parents—which I can say should be the most expected but is hardly the case for everyone. Some, their friends. And in rare instances, it’s a total stranger. When you think about it, your friends were strangers once.”

He shrugs. He didn’t have many friends, not close ones anyway. Not after the incident. Not even before.

“She helped you realize something,” she said. 

“And what’s that?” Ben demanded quietly.

Nomi leans in and smiles. “That you’re not alone.”

When Ben came home to his apartment that afternoon, Han was waiting for him. He carried a familiar yellow bag that was used to store lunch boxes in and a six-pack. Days like these when his father visits always coincide with his trip to the clinic. 

He smiled at him, knowing his mother would drag Han by the ear if she knew he always brought him alcohol. It wasn’t advisable for a recovering addict to drink, but it was their tradition as Solo men. One bottle never hurt anyone anyway.

“How was your session with Dr. Sunrider?” Han asks after his second beer.

They’ve been sitting six feet apart in their designated chairs; his dad on the brown recliner (that he bought specifically for this purpose), and him on his black couch. 

Ben shrugs. It always takes time for him to open up but he also knew that it took Han some guts to ask him this. 

“I always liked that name,” he added. “Sunrider. Sounds adventurous, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, dad,” and he meant it. “She says I’m doing much better,” he said after a while. “The gathering...it actually did me some good.”

“You mean the girl, don’t you?” Dad wasn’t much for teasing and it didn’t feel like that either, but rather the playfulness of his tone lightened up the mood. 

Ben smiles at his feet and takes another swig at his beer. 

“Your Uncle Luke is back in rehab.” This didn’t surprise him, but Dad offering up that information had the effect. “He _ will _ get better, Ben. I promise.”

“I believe you,” he says reassuringly despite the one needing reassurance. 

Dad never promised him much. It was always Leia or Luke (when he’s having a breakdown) who tells him this; that it would all get better, that everything will change, and that he wouldn’t have to worry about the past anymore. It always falls through, but for some reason—right now—he takes faith in it. Maybe getting all of it out that night meant something. Maybe it would finally bring him the peace he’s been craving since he was a kid. 

He had to have hope. 

“So,” he begins this time, leading the conversation. “Poe’s gay.”

Dad nods, leaning back on his chair. 

“He’s with that guy. Rey’s friend—”

“Brother,” Dad corrected him. “Finn, that’s his name. He’s Rey’s brother, your mother told me.” 

“Oh.” Had she mentioned that before? He couldn’t remember. “Right.”

“How’d you take it?” 

Ben chuckles. “I can’t say I always knew but I was just—”

“Relieved?”

He bit down at his lip. “Is that selfish?”

“So long as you’re not against it, I guess,” Dad notes. “I’ve seen signs when you kids were younger. But I had to let him figure it out for himself. Didn’t say anything about it ‘cause it’s not mine or anyone else’s business but his.”

Ben smiles at this. And then remembered grimly, “Except Uncle Luke.”

Dad sighs. “Luke has his own opinions.”

“Do you believe what he said that night?”

“About what he thought that word meant?”

“Yeah,” and Ben can only shake his head at the memory.

It was automatic, recalling the events of that night. It was the last night they had. If he was being more delusional, he could even say that it was possible that night was still happening in-sync with the present. It was still so fresh in his mind. 

He had baked those macaroons she liked so much that morning. She helped him with their lunch, and even played another game of volleyball with Leia (this time with Han as referee). They tried surfing after—he taught her, and kind of failed—till the sun had set. Then they were called for dinner. They all had to change clothes because this was the main event. 

Everyone was here. Mom was lighting the candles perfectly placed in the middle of the dining table. Poe was wearing his beige suit with the white shirt (he loved that look) and Rey wore this incredibly bright yellow dress decorated with daisies. She sat across from him, her legs stretched out and wedged between his own. Leia was at the head of the table, Luke on the other. Han sat next to their mother and Ben next to him. Poe was on Leia’s other side, and Rey beside him. They said a silent prayer as Luke did a loud one with his arms raised. They looked at each other. 

Rey grounded him here. She tried to make him laugh, subtly making funny faces to forget whatever bad thing he thought of even just for a little while. 

“So,” Luke piped up, glancing around the table. 

There wasn’t anything but the sound of cutlery hitting the plates and Luke seemed lost for a nanosecond. No one was willing to make conversation, Ben knew, not even his mother. His uncle was quick to turn his attention to Rey and this made Ben (and undoubtedly Poe) very nervous.

“Who are you again?”

“I’m Rey,” she replied politely. “I’m with Poe.” The way she said it was meant to imply something that was already obsolete.

Luke seemed to have caught on immediately. “Oh,” he said, using that tone like he knew something she didn’t. “Where are you from? Bristol?”

“Arizona,” she deadpanned. 

“Oh,” he said again, but this time in surprise. “You do a mean English accent, then.”

Rey didn’t comment on this and focused her energy on the lamb chops sitting on her plate. 

Luke wasn’t letting it go though. Ben was all too familiar when Luke wasn’t comfortable; when he needed to latch his teeth onto something. 

“Must be the reason Poe chose you.”

_ Chose _, he played with the word in his mind and didn’t find it appealing. True, Poe and Rey’s relationship was for show if anything else. Ben hadn’t indulged himself with the details yet. He wanted that to come from them if they wanted to offer the information willingly. But Luke hadn’t been around long enough to even witness it let alone pick on it. 

Ben cleared his throat. “How was India, Uncle?”

“It’s Monggolia,” Luke corrected him, a bit irritated. “Not that you would care.”

“You got that right,” he murmured against a bite of the lamb. 

His tactics at distracting him didn’t work though. Luke had set his eyes on Rey and he wasn’t budging.

“What do you do, Rey from Arizona? Are you working? Are you studying?” He asked.

“Both, actually,” she said. 

“And where is that?”

“Columbia.”

“Ah.” Luke smiled. “That’s your alma mater, isn’t it, Poe?”

“Yes, sir,” he replied aptly. 

“That’s where you met then? At _ uni _?” Their uncle probed.

Poe nodded. Rey smiled shyly, seeming to get comfortable. 

“I assume that _ chap _ from before studies there too?”

His name hung in the air like a balloon. Ben knew they were all thinking of him. 

_ Finn _. 

Rey was careful, doing a slight nod before slicing another piece of her lamb. She suddenly seemed preoccupied, like she was calculating where the conversation was heading. Ben was right behind her. Of all the people in the room, he knew this was only about to get even more unsettling. 

“He looks like a nice fellow,” Luke added. “A fag.”

Whose fork was it that dropped to the floor? Ben didn’t notice. He was ready to throw his plate on Luke’s head. 

But Luke was oblivious, raising his brows at everyone who was staring at him. “What?”

“It’s not polite, Luke,” Leia said, uttering her first words since sitting down. 

“What?” Luke asked again. “Fun Awesome Gay is offensive now?”

Poe made a face. 

“Where did you learn this?” Ben demanded. “That’s not what that means.”

“A kid taught it to me during my immersion,” Luke replied matter-of-factly. “What?” And this time, he sounded pissed.

“Let it go,” Han muttered, to him or Luke he didn’t know. 

They continued to eat in silence then, until Luke piped up with another question. It seemed harmless, making small talk like this. 

“So how are things with you, Poe?”

“All good.”

“Are you dating both of them?” 

And then it veered into _ that _direction. Poe paused, his fork halfway to his mouth. He was literally frozen, unable to keep his eyes off the fucking lamb chop. 

“Are you bisexual?”

By then all three of them, Poe, Rey and himself, dropped their utensils. 

“Luke,” Han said quietly.

“What?”

Poe was the one to reply this time. “That’s not what _ that _ means either.” Then he expertly picked up his fork and resumed eating. There was a slight nudge between him and Rey, making her continue eating as well. 

Ben sighed.

Their uncle was pissed, being schooled like this. Or maybe for other reasons that Ben had a hard time following. Luke bellowed, “Then what is _ she _ here for then?”

“Some company,” he replied, training himself to be calm.

Luke chuckled darkly. “For who? For you?” He asked slowly. “Don’t pretend you haven’t been playing footsie under the table now.”

Rey’s feet had been wedged in his own and it was enough to make him go quiet. This only amused Luke even more. 

“Always taking things from your brother, eh?” He jabbed. “Things not meant for you.”

“I’m not a _ thing _,” Rey snapped. “Sir,” she added a bit begrudgingly. 

“Then what are you?” Luke demanded, looking at Poe. “His beard?” 

“Enough!” Leia commanded, taking hold of the situation completely. “We’re trying to have a nice family dinner _ together _ but it seems like that won’t be happening so I suggest we quit trying.”

That was the least likely outcome Ben had expected. It seemed so out of character for his mother to stand up and leave but that’s exactly what she was doing. For a moment, they were all statues around the table; immobile creatures in contemplation. If it was a trick, some manipulation to break this toxic cycle, it worked on Luke. He stood up as well, trailing after his sister.

What compelled him to say these next thirteen words, he couldn’t fathom. But it slipped out so quietly and quickly that it felt like he wasn’t the one who said them at all.

“Maybe if I find that missing piece, I wouldn’t be so broken anymore.”

“This has nothing to do with that, Ben. Your mother _ will _ talk to him,” Han said as firmly and reassuringly as he was able. “But I think you kids better get out while you can.”

Poe sighed as Han got up, headed for the study where the two were probably deep in discussion already. 

Ben could feel Rey eyeing him carefully, willing him to look up at her, and he did. However, instead of her comforting smile, he found her looking ashen. 

“You okay?” He asked.

Poe turned to her too, worried now. “Rey?”

“I’m fine,” she promised a little too quickly. “Can I rest a bit before we go?”

Ben’s heart dropped to his gut and the feeling was unsettling. But he was like a ghost. He had a presence in the room but he really didn’t have much of a say on what happens next. He kept his mouth shut, thinking that it was all for the best. And if she wanted to leave, he better let her go. 

“Sure,” Poe said and immediately, she was up and gone. 

Ben sighed again. 

“You okay?” Poe asked him. 

“I’m fine,” he replied. “I’ll just take a walk.”

“Okay…”

“Tell me when you leave?”

To this, Poe smiled and nodded. “Sure thing, Ben.”

How the most peaceful day he’d had in a long time transgressed into the chaotic night he expected still remained to be one of his “better” memories, he was sure was because of the improvement in company. The thought alone calmed him, the thought of _ her _. Even through the loud crashing of the waves, he could hear her voice, pulling him to the shore of his consciousness.

Ben borrowed Artoo from their neighbor again (this time, properly) and played fetch with him on the beach. It distracted him from the sinking feeling that would surely overcome him later on; the one brought on by bad luck, short tempers, and goodbyes. 

The light on the attic—his room—suddenly turned on and he could see a shadow moving about. Then it was gone and the light went out. 

A few minutes later, Poe called him from the front porch. Their packed bags were already at his feet, and Ben did everything he could not to stumble on his own feet and fall face flat on the sand even though he wanted to.

He beckoned Artoo over and together, they went over to say goodbye. 

“Need a hand?” He offered to Poe, reaching out for one of the duffle bags.

“I got it,” Rey said as she stepped out of the house, waving goodbye to Han behind her.

“Nice to meet you, sweetheart,” their dad grumbled. “I had hoped it was under better circumstances.”

“Thank you, Mr. Solo,” she replied. “I had the best week.”

“You sure?” Ben asked.

Rey raised her brows with a disbelieving smirk.

“About the bags,” he clarified. 

“Oh,” and she laughed. How he would miss that laugh. “I can handle it,” she reassured him. 

Poe patted Ben on the shoulder and picked up his backpack. “Uh…”

“Mm,” and that was that. 

“Yeah,” Poe muttered and walked off.

“You two really have to start communicating better,” Rey noted, laughing again.

“Yeah,” Ben echoed. “But we’re getting there.”

She nodded at that. After a second, she went completely quiet and somber. Her eyes no longer held that childish glee and that bright smile was gone. Not even the festive lamps still hanging around the porch could illuminate them into being.

“What is it?”

Rey sighed and looked at him with worried eyes. “I never actually apologized.”

“For what?”

“For lying to you,” she said. “About a lot of things. But mostly for coming here under false pretenses.”

He understood, or tried to. He nodded. “Poe needed your help.”

“Some help I am,” she chuckled grimly. “If anything, I think I made it worse.”

“If anything,” he mimicked. “I think it’s the contrary.”

Rey smiled. It was small and nothing at all like the sunny one she always seemed to have on. Ben reckoned it was better than to leave him with an image of her worried over such a little thing like pretending to be his brother’s girlfriend. 

When she wrapped her arms around his neck then, reaching up as high as she could, he wished he could keep her there forever.

“I hope you get your answer, Ben Solo.”

And if he’d been a little braver, he would’ve told her he already did. 

~

Poe was waiting for the dumplings at the counter when Finn came back, drinking a genuine Taiwanese bubble tea from down the street. 

Rey had claimed she was hungry, but both of them knew that she just wanted them out of the apartment for a little while. They thought it best to comply, be useful. They could talk later when she’s in a lighter mood. 

“I got you one, too,” Finn says proudly, pulling up a bag with two unopened cups of bubble tea. “Did you order the fried noodles she likes so much?”

“Yup,” he replies. “But it’s taking a bit.”

“What do you think we should say to her when we get home? Talk to us or starve? Does that sound like a good opening line?”

Poe rolls his eyes mockingly. “She can tackle you to the ground and snatch that bag out of your hands, you know.”

“Isn’t that why I have you?” Finn asks, teasing. 

He tried not to smile but Finn’s grin was contagious. He leaned on the counter, counting down the minutes. Both of them turn to the television airing the local news. Suddenly, Finn stiffens.

“Is that the date today?” He asks, a haunted look passing over his eyes.

“Yeah, why?” Poe says. “Finn?”

“Fuck! I can’t believe I forgot!”

“What?” He demanded, worried now. “What is it?”

Just then, his phone rings. Poe checks to see who it is and debated for a second if he should answer it. 

“Ben, I don’t want to be rude, but—”

He wasn’t given time to finish that sentence because Ben was frantic on the other end. 

_ “Where is she?” _

Poe knew who he meant but he couldn’t process it.

“What?”

_ “Where is she?” _ Ben repeated. _ “Tell me she’s with you _—”

“Ben, you’re not making sense—” He was starting to get scared.

“We have to get home,” Finn tells him. “Poe, _ now _!”

_ “I’ll meet you there!” _Ben yells and the line goes dead.

~

Before Han left, he handed over an envelope with his name on it. The handwriting was unfamiliar but the feeling wasn’t. Ben stared at it for a moment before his father provided any context.

“Your mother was cleaning your room—”

He chuckles. “She’s snooping, you mean.”

“Same difference,” Han concedes. “Anyway, it seemed important. She wanted me to give it to you as soon as I could.”

“Has it been there all this time?” He asked.

Han shrugged. “No return address, no date. Must’ve been from a ghost if you ask me.”

Ben suddenly felt cold. 

“Can you call us tomorrow?” His dad asks.

“What?”

“Tomorrow,” he repeats. “I...I want you to call us tomorrow. If you can.”

Ben nodded at that, understanding him. “Alright.”

The envelope was waiting to be opened but he was hesitant. The contents were light, mere paper if he guessed correctly, but its intent seemed heavy. He mulled it over, dropping it on the table a few times and picking it up again. And then, by some miracle, Ben finally mustered up enough courage to open it.

There was a hint that it could be from Luke, some ploy by his mother maybe to get them on better terms, and he didn’t like it one bit. But he decided that if it was, he wouldn’t turn from it anymore. If his uncle would reach out a hand to him, he would reluctantly do the same and hope to sort it out for Leia’s sake.

When he opened it and unfolded a letter however, he knew this wasn’t from them. An old twenty-dollar bill slips out and falls on his lap. Seeing it felt surreal. He began committing Rey’s handwriting to memory as if this was her face he was seeing for the first time. The words were neat and sprawled out on the page in fine cursives. But despite the beautiful handiwork, Ben’s hunch about the letter being bad news was correct. As he read on, he could feel the floor unbuilding itself and he was falling over and over till he realized he could never land until he was able to find her again.

He had to find her, and fast. 

~

> _ Ben. _
> 
> _ I never told anyone what happened to me _ — _ the infamous ‘what happened to you?’ question that made me into this. But I think if I tell you, it’ll be fine. Maybe if I tell you, then you’ll find your piece. That missing piece you’ve held out for all these years. Or maybe it won’t. I know you’ll understand if I won’t go into detail but when I was seven or eight, I was placed with this family in New York. I’ve never been in a place so busy. So crowded. _
> 
> _ I had six brothers, all grown, and they liked to lock me up in the attic. They didn’t want to be bothered during their dealings, I realized later on. To say they were bad people is an understatement, and they were good at hiding it. Even for a while, I was convinced that they were just playing with me. It was harmless. But then there was this time that they kept me up there for weeks. I missed school and I think they made up an excuse why I was out so no one looked for me. They gave me bad food and dirty water to drink and wash myself with. At worst, they’ll give me these ice cream cones with different flavors and I’ll feel nauseous and dizzy every single time. It was still better than having nothing to eat, I reckon. Days would pass and I would just sleep or vomit or even shit myself. I swore not to go into details and yet here I am. It’s this hard truth about my past that compelled me to write to you now because I saw so much of that kid in you while Luke was around. _
> 
> _ Anyway, there was this one weekend where someone took care of me. I don’t know how he did it but I knew he wasn’t one of my foster brothers. He never said anything, even when I cried and told him how I’ll never come back there ever again. I promised I wouldn’t be caught dead in New York, but we all make promises we can’t keep, do we? _
> 
> _ I felt him there, Ben _ — _ right on the other side. When he left, I knew it too. There was even a note. It was written on a twenty-dollar bill and it said ‘good.’ That’s all it said. He listened to me whinge and cry. But that was all he had to say. When I got out, the agent that took my case was named Mr. Good. I don’t know if that’s what that meant but I was so sure that it wasn’t a coincidence. Good had to mean something because he said it. _
> 
> _ You once said that terrible things happen to good people. I used to think that I was simply unlucky. I wasn’t good. I’ve made worse choices than this. But I think meeting you was one of the few lucky things I’ve ever been granted. That much is true. I was so sure I’d never see him again. _
> 
> _ Wherever your missing piece is, it’s not with me. It’s with you. Always has been. The answer is never with someone else. I got myself out, even though it took this long. Whatever question I’ve had, it’s gone now. I can only hope the same for you. _
> 
> _ -Rey _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this will make your reading experience worse or better but try to listen to "Where Do I Go From Here?" (The Hit House Remix) by A Year on Earth if you can (while reading). Best if you put it on repeat.
> 
> **I was actually nervous to post this and it took me two weeks to complete it, but here it is!!**


	11. on the highest shelf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I just hope that one day—preferably when we're both blind drunk—we can talk about it." - J.D. Salinger

_ After  _

Over the course of a few weeks, Poe had learned three definitive things: (1) never leave your mentally ill friend with a serious addiction without checking the room/house/apartment for potentially harmful substances, (2) always call your brother back in case there’s something he knows about aforementioned friend, especially when he’s concerned about said friend, and (3) if your friend insists s/he doesn’t need help when you’re aware of the signs…

Poe tried not to think about that last one. He hadn’t been a stranger to this situation before, but he just never realized how deep it all goes. How quick it could happen to someone. How frightening. Poe could admit that Rey was always more of Finn’s friend, and his only by extension, but the week they spent together in his family house changed all of that. He should’ve been more careful. He should’ve been more concerned. He should’ve known.

There was a heavy feeling in his chest; a guilt that echoed all the way back when Ben was just a scruffy-looking teenager. Angsty and troubled, it was normal, he thought. He didn’t fully grasp the scars that ran in his brother’s skin or the poisonous thoughts that he carried, not until he got a call that Ben tried to kill himself. He was so clueless then. It should’ve been different now.

As if sensing his inner thoughts, Finn lays a hand on his shoulder. 

“I know,” Finn says quietly. “We all could’ve done better.” 

Poe could tell that Finn had badgered himself over this a million times before, too. But he could only sigh in response. 

_ Before _

She didn’t know she was spiraling till she was at the smallest curve, holding a bottle of pills she acquired the night Ben got drunk. It was an old pharmacy with a nice, elderly pharmacist at the counter. The sleeping pills were a bit outdated too. Not expired. Rather, they were the kind of pills that people tried not to use anymore in case someone was to—

Rey knew exactly what she was doing. She meant every step, every move she made that led her here. 

But as weird as it is, she also didn’t intend for things to go this far. Not the  _ attempt _ , no. She was very much willing to let go. 

So what kept her?

When Rey read her first book, she was most happy with the satisfaction of getting through it page by page. Turning one over the other was like an achievement. Reaching the last one, and finding it end with a cliffhanger, didn’t frustrate her. It was as if her journey was yet to begin again. She liked how the story wasn’t over. It piqued her curiosity. Something about this made it feel like that.

There was so much more to unearth. This was supposed to be  _ it _ . She knew that the reason why she had lived past those days in the attic was so she could know who he was that made her living hell  _ good _ if not better. She had her answer, and there was no more to it than that. Dreams and goals fueled her but she lacked ambition. She knew how to set them, but she couldn’t bother to actually claim them. Friends were all she had, but even she knew that she couldn’t ask them for more than what they were already giving her. They’d been her rock for so long, especially Finn. He had been her family through all this. Her life was small and compact. Even as a girl, she was certain that if she disappeared no one would notice. Her parents certainly didn’t. That’s why she tried so hard not to. 

Even now, when she herself is letting it all slip through her fingers, she couldn’t help but think: what’s more to her story? Maybe it was self preservation. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was her resolution to see this through—

Or maybe it was courage. To live. To see one more day of her life to find out what the next page holds for her. 

There’s always one more story—and it’s hers. No one should write it without her. 

~

Did Ben run?

Yes. He did. Twelve blocks. 

He called the ambulance on the way over, tracking the apartment building down by pulling some strings in the administration office since Poe was too busy to answer his damn phone. He didn’t know what he would find when he reached it. There was a shortage of oxygen in his lungs, and his heart throbbed for another reason. 

Her letter was tucked safely in his back pocket. 

Ben reached her floor fifteen seconds later, hearing Poe yell out something unintelligible (probably over the phone at someone). The door was left ajar. 

He busted in at that little studio apartment with makeshift divides, a small window, and what he can only assume was the bathroom. Finn was crouched over a body and a pair of legs were sprawled across the floor, sticking out of the bathroom. Poe caught his eyes, his phone sticking to his face like a life preserve.

“I called the ambulance,” Ben said, panting. “Is she...?”

“Here!” Finn yelled.

In two strides, he was right there. Pills were scattered around and vomit smeared the toilet seat but she was breathing.

“I think she got some of it out,” Finn told him. “I think—”

Ben could only nod. “She bailed,” and he sagged with relief, holding her up. 

Her eyes were a little bit open but they were exactly how you’d think she would be feeling by now: drowsy, and in a fit of a heady dream. 

“It’s a good thing that you did,” he whispered to her, pulling her close. “You’re really not going to leave me out here, are you?”

In the distance, they could hear the sirens and a little bit of hope stretched on the horizon.

_ After _

Poe just left to get some clothes as Rose and Kaydel came to take their turn in watching over her. But even when they insisted they could handle keeping an eye on her, Ben wouldn’t budge. 

So they all stayed. And when visiting hours were over, they left her with him. Poe returned the next day with his clothes, and this time, he didn’t take no for an answer.

“You need to sleep.”

Ben sighed. “I have been sleeping.”

“You’re more worried than Finn.” It didn’t sound like a complaint but it was something near it. “We talked it through. All of us.”

“Talked what through?” He asked, pulling a fresh shirt over his head.

“I think,” and Poe paused. “Well,  _ we _ thought Rey should go home for a while.”

“Home?” The word felt funny in his mouth. “Do you even know where that is?”

“Arizona,” his brother replied as if it was the most obvious thing. “She talked about it before, going back there…” then he trailed off, uncomfortable.

“To find her parents,” Ben guessed and he guessed correctly.

Poe was surprised. “Yeah.”

“We both know she’s not going to find them there.”

“How would  _ you _ know?” He demanded. “Ben, I don’t mean to offend you with this, but you’ve known her a  _ week _ . There’s still so much you don’t know. There’s so much that  _ I _ didn’t know and I’ve known her longer than you have.”

“By extension,” Ben corrected, annoying him. “And no, I get it. But there’s more to this, and  _ you _ know that. It’s not just been a couple of days but this has been a decade in the making.”

“What are you talking about?”

He sighed. “There was a reason we met. Nothing here is completely arbitrary.”

“When you’re done being vague, let me know.”

“Poe.”

“What?” And there was that annoyance that spilled off his mouth he couldn’t quite contain. 

“Please?” Like the child he once knew, Ben pleaded, “Don’t take her away from me too.”

Poe sighed this time, his heart breaking for him. “That’s her choice to make.” 

Rey never had a therapist before.

She had one examine her after she was saved from the crack house in New York, but that was it. She didn’t seek out the help everyone knew she needed because she didn’t think she would have to. These were waves that she had to ride out.

She realized now that some waves were too strong. Some can pull you under and not let you go.

So when a woman in a fitting beige suit came in and introduced herself as Dr. Nomi Sunrider, she was relieved. They decided to book a few sessions in the following weeks, depending on whether or not she would return to New York, of course.

“If not,” Nomi, she preferred to be called, said. “I can refer you to someone in your area. Dr. Lars is stationed in Arizona, I think. She’s very good at handling cases like these.”

“Thank you.”

“Let me know when you’re back in town.” And then she slipped her a small card with her name and contact number. “Call me if you need anything. Whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed or if you’re just ready to talk, I’ll be on the other line.”

“Thank you,” Rey said again, more earnest this time.

After she left, she started packing. Finn got some of her stuff from the apartment while Poe brought her some food. Rose arrived just before they left the room.

“Heard you were discharged today,” she said and immediately wrapped her arms around her. 

“I’m really sorry for kicking you out,” Rey muttered sheepishly. “It wasn’t really what I wanted. I liked having you around.”

“I got that, Rey,” Rose replied, the hurt in her voice still present. “I just wish you could’ve talked to me. You know, instead of shutting me out?”

“I know,” and she sighed at this, letting her go. “But that’s my specialty, I guess. I have a lot to work on.”

“That sounds like it came out of a pamphlet,” Rose teased and they began to laugh a little, easing the tension in the room. 

Rey pulled her away from Poe and Finn’s watchful glances and told her quietly, “I don’t want to freak you out or anything. But can you give up the apartment and live with Jannah instead? Permanently this time?”

“You’re not coming back to New York?” Rose asked, alarmed.

“No, it’s not that,” she admitted. And she began scratching the nape of her neck, a habit she had recently developed whenever she was uncomfortable. “I just...I’m scared. Those guys that robbed us, _ you _ ...I think they came for me.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.” Rose was surprisingly calm.

Rey didn’t know how to respond and simply waited.

Rose leaned in with a little knowing smile on her lips, her eyes kind and filled with understanding. “The police caught them this morning. I was just there. They called me in to identify them.”

“How was that possible?” The incident happened over two (maybe almost three) weeks ago. There was no way they could’ve been caught then, why now?

“Apparently, the cops got a tip,” her friend went on. “They found one of my IDs as evidence. To be honest, I’m just glad my Starbucks card is back.” 

Rey chuckled at that but it seemed forced even to her, what with her mind was still wandering about the details of this new development.

“Hey,” Rose touches her arm, pulling her back. “Don’t worry about it now, okay?”

Despite her better judgement, she nodded and said, “Okay.”

“Are you ready?” Finn asked.

“Yeah,” and she meant it. 

Poe was talking to someone on the phone, keeping his eyes on his shoes while he was at it. When she was close enough, he hurriedly ended the conversation. 

“Are you ready?” He asked too.

“We covered that already,” Finn replied for her. “We’ll walk you guys to the car.”

She helped with loading the car, set on leaving the city for a while. A change of scenery was ideal, and it would definitely help her recover (or so Nomi implied). She hated leaving her friends but Rey also knew she had to go through this journey some time. Might as well be now.

“Okay,” Finn began. “Let’s go over it one last time.”

“I’ll call you guys when we get settled in.” That was one, she counted. “I’ll make sure to text you updates every day—”

“—once a day,” he interjected.

“And we’ll Facetime every weekend so I know the latest goings-on here in New York.”

“And if you don’t call us?” Rose prompted.

“You would come see me in Arizona. Yes, I know.” Rey grinned, feeling touched. “But Poe will be right with me on this so if you don’t hear from me, at least you’d hear from him.”

“That’s one option, yeah,” Finn considered. “It’ll be better if you keep us in the loop though...just so we could fend off any worry in your mind.”

They did know her best. Or at least, better than anyone else. But not better than him…

“Hey, Poe?” She called out as they got inside the car. 

“Yeah?”

Rey thought about it for a moment. If he wanted to be here, he would’ve.

_ No _ , she thought again. She considered the possibility that this wasn’t the most healthy thing for either of them right now and if anything, she wanted to be considerate of him. After all, she knew him better than anyone else too. There were some things that only the two of them could understand about each other.

So she decided not to ask about him. Not until she was ready. Not until she was in a better place. She didn’t want to keep taking pieces of him. That, she was sure of. 

“Nothing,” she murmured and pulled at her seatbelt but it wouldn’t budge. 

The windows were still open so she could stick her arm out later to wave goodbye. Instead, a hand appears from the outside, pulling at the seatbelt. His shadow looms over her. He didn’t look at her and she could see how hard he was trying not to. 

Ben was holding his breath—or was he gritting his teeth? She wasn’t sure. He moved smoothly, invading some of her space, as he managed to pull the seatbelt free and locked it in. He stayed inside for a second longer, still not looking at her. Then he pulled away and stepped off the curb.

His smile was warm and big enough to reach his eyes.

Her heart twisted in knots. No words can ever suffice, she knew. So, she lifted her hand up in a little goodbye until he did the same.

And then, Rey looked ahead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended this to be the epilogue but I couldn't resist. QUESTION! If ever I decide to submit this to a publisher or some sort—severing its cord to Star Wars, of course (so I'd have to change character names)—and expand it into a full-blown book, do you think it would sell?
> 
> ALSO: if I start my next project (if I'm not being *too* delusional), will you be interested to read it?
> 
> Let me know in the comments below!


	12. Your Left Hand Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "She wasn't doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together." —J.D. Salinger

**Epilogue: Your Left Hand Man**

_ You remember _ .

He could feel the tears streaming down his face as the memory resurfaces. The smell of her skin became stronger with each passing second. Her eyes closed shut made the whole world a bit darker.

“You remember,” she said.

The morning light hit him just as it did then, making him squint. But he believed it was just her, being so full of light, that made everything around him brighter too. He chuckled.

“You don’t really forget things after three shots of vodka,” he told her.

She laughed then, too. “I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t mean to lie.” She sounded tired, as if it weighed her down. “Well, I did come here to lie but I didn’t think—” she amended, making him chuckle again.

“It wasn’t your secret,” he remarked in understanding. 

Ben sighed and so did she.

He was careful not to get anything on her clothes, although the flour was getting away with him already. He guided her hands with his own, whisking away and making a mess but it didn’t matter. She was laughing. When she turned around, her face was scrunched up from all the flour.

He let out a howl of laughter.

“Sure,” she said. “Just laugh it up...you know, instead of helping me get it off?”

“Alright, hold on.” Ben pulled her closer and nuzzled her nose with his, getting some of the flour on him instead. Then he wiped away at her eyes and her cheeks as if they were tears. And when she looked up at him, he raised his brows, asking for permission.

She replied by nudging the tip of her nose on his chin, and he was on her lips in a quick second, gripping her tightly against the kitchen counter. 

When they pulled away, Ben sighed. And so did she.

“You’re really something else, Ben Solo.” Her face broke slowly into the most enchanting grin. “Maybe one day, I can be some sort of something too.”

_ You already are, _ he thought but opted for another kiss instead. 

~

The heat on her skin was unbearable, but it was a nice change. 

She hasn’t been back here since she was a kid. Despite her claim on Arizona being her hometown, Rey was actually surprised to even remember it. There were only memories of the sun and the sand, but not much else. No face comes to mind when she thinks of Arizona. There’s just a voice, telling her they’re sorry. For what, she has no idea. Nothing is buried here except the immediate feeling of isolation and her insatiable craving for burritos. 

She sighed heavily, but in relief. There was nothing more for her here. This wasn’t home. This was just the temporary dwelling of a girl long gone. 

Her feet began kicking at the sand, gently moving little stones out of her way. She’s been trying to contact Poe for fifteen minutes now, always leaving a text afterwards telling him she’s okay. She didn’t want to worry him but she is worried about him.

She called Finn again. 

He picked up on the second ring.

“Still nothing?” She asked.

Finn only chuckled. “He’s fine, Rey. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she reassured him. “He doesn’t usually leave in the afternoons. It’s nearly sundown. Do you know where he went?”

“Yes,” he replied. “Now stop worrying and just play with your dog, will you?” 

She smiled at that. As if on cue, Bee-Bee barks from inside the house. 

“You love that goofball, don’t you?”

“I always thought I was more of a cat person,” she admitted. “But a dog’s pretty rad. Poe picked a good one.”

“Ugh,” he groaned. “He’ll beg me to keep it when you go back to the city.”

“How sure are you that I’m going back?” She teased.

Finn used that tone, like he knew something she didn’t. “Oh, pretty sure,” he said.

Bee-Bee barks again. This time, she knew she shouldn’t ignore it.

“I’ll see you around, kid,” Finn said before dropping the call.

Rey sighed and went to check on the dog. The house was pretty secure. It had a built-in security system and the police station was just a couple of minutes away. The hospital was even closer. When Poe told her Leia bought this house for Luke, she couldn’t fathom why here of all places. 

Of course she realized later on that this was more of a “retreat center,” somewhere to recuperate. The place had a soothing feel and even through isolation, it wasn’t suffocating. Better than a mental institution too. Plus, Dr. Lars was just a house over. 

Maybe it was him, paying a house call per Poe’s instruction.

“Bee?” She beckoned over and the dog all but rolled over to her, his tail wagging. “What is it?” She asked, jogging over to the intercom.

There were no signs of anyone outside. But there was a car approaching. Poe’s car. Rey sighed in relief.

“How is it you always know when he’s coming?” She asked him.

The beagle only responded with a quick bark before setting off towards the backyard, waiting for Poe’s return. She followed him out, watching the gate in the back open as it strolled in. Its black paint was a stark contrast to the beige surrounding, the backdrop of an (almost) endless desert. The bright skies were now tainted with orange and pink clouds, the sun trying to dive in for night.

“What took you so long?” Rey demanded, her voice ringing out.

The engine stopped, and he stepped out. 

What indeed? He thought. 

It’s been a year. Her hair’s even longer now, he noted. The last couple of months tempted him to come out here just as he did now. But something pulled him back.

_ Home _ . The word itself felt funny to him before. He realized later on that it was the thought behind it that didn’t sit well with him.

For a long time, he’s been looking for this piece of himself or rather a piece of belonging that he thought was gone. He thought he ruined it or that he lost it. But it’s been here all this time. She was right about that. 

So what kept him away for the last twelve months was a good conversation with his parents, some time to bury the past, and reconcile with Luke and all the mistakes they’ve both made. His scars were just scars now, no longer wounds that open at the slightest touch. He was  _ good _ , and he wanted to be good for her. Of all the things he wanted to be, Ben Solo wanted to be her safe place. 

It took some time. But it was worth it, he thought. It was worth it now, seeing her with an even brighter smile. Time apart favored both of them. 

Ben grinned. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

There was a hitch in her breathing, and it took everything in him not to rush over and take more of it away by kissing those lips he’d missed so much. 

Well, what was stopping him anyway?

Poe cleared his throat. “Alright, you two.” 

Ben only smiled wider.

“Need a hand?” He asked as Poe began to unload the trunk, his eyes still on her.

“I got it,” Rey said and skipped towards them, passing him by somewhat shyly.

He caught her hand, holding on to her wrist very gently, and waited only a moment as he searched her eyes for an answer. 

“Still need that hand,” Poe grumbled.

They ignored him. And then Rey pulled him in, clutching at the collar of his blazer to get him down to her height, kissing him without any more of that hesitation.

“I got it,” she said again, this time against his lips, as she moved to step away from him.

He loops his arm around her waist and keeps her to him. “I know you do,” he tells her quietly. “But you’ve been carrying that weight for so long.” Ben leans in and asks, “Let me help you?”

“You already have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH ME THROUGH ALL THIS! It is such an achievement (for me) to finally finish another fic. Of all the things the quarantine is bad for, this is one of the few good things. Special shoutout to Ever_Dark, euphgal1, Amber Dread, EMC_16, wickedlittletown, SithLord 98, devandot, and the whole lot of you who have commented on this story and encouraged me to keep writing. I didn't think I would ever finish it. 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH!


End file.
